A fateful encounter

Entry 4

It comes and goes so quickly. I know what to do, but at the same time, I have no idea. Lie seems like the truth, and truth seems like a lie. Will it all turn out to be alright?

Entry_4
And so, I am back sooner than expected. Well I knew in a way. It seems as if I am so weak now, that I am totally depending on you. I apologize for being a bother, but in this moment I doubt that you know of me doing this.
I went overboard. I didn't want to do it, but I pushed myself for the punishment. I then decided. It is now. So I slashed it once, hard, I placed a lot of strenght into it. But my hand slipped and I made one small cut, so I just went on and on, and made few small few long. Long ones are not even seeable, small ones bled a bit. I just hope you had never done it. It is a reminder to haunt me, every single second I look at it. At least no one pays attention. Stupid answer would be ,,it's because of a cat", better would be ,,roses".
Should I hurry up and leave? No matter what, whatever be the truth, they will never listen and think otherwise. Should I just drop it all? Can I? If they don't mind me staying at home, that is. I just hope they will stop talking about it. I know already, everything. There was never forgiveness with them. I guess I do just that. Just 2 more years, just two more years. Then I will see, based on myself then. Will I drop myself too, or should I just quietly disappear. I think it will be the latter. I just want them to stop talking about it. I know that I don't matter in that. My feelings don't matter in this situation.
They never did.
I just wish to scream, scream so loud and release all the hate that is gnawling at me. I wish I can overcome it, so that I don't say that depression gnawled at me. I just wish that at least once, I would be able to cry my soul out while my mother is hugging me. A mother, not some stranger I just met. A mother.
It would pain her to read this, and if you really are, and I am maybe gone, then just know that it is not your fault. Your life is your fault, and my life and outcome are mine. I will try so that it does not come to that, but there is that if. If I die, if I leave, if you stop loving me. If you stop hating me, I think I would be reborn. Althought you have already told me that you were and are willing to strangle me, slap me, kill me.
I.. didn't want to say it but I will. It hurts. And I know I don't show any reaction, but I don't want to cry in front of you. That would be hell. You hating me, blaming me, and me crying.

My angel, I started talking to someone else, and as a tale I am writing this to you. Am I really all alone now? There is no going back. But I can't blame anyone but myself. We don't have the same mindset. It was wrong of me to think that you would accept me. Just as it was wrong of you to trust and love me. I can't say I don't want you to make that mistake again. I do. I really do.

I should really stop. This book was meant for you, not for me writing my thoughts. But I guess this shows how much I trust you. I don't have a feeling as if I am typing this on a white screen, but as if I am actually writing this to you. To you, I am honest. I.. can I say it now? As your song said, I hope that my shoulders and chest give you comfort. I wish you could give me that comfort now. Siting next to me on the bus station. Crouching in front of me, looking in my eyes, telling me that it won't be ok, that you won't lie to me like that, but simply that you are there.

I really am alone.