Illusions

5- make it go away.

That night, as I lay in bed, unable to fall asleep-or not wanting to succumb to the nightmares again- I utter aloud, "Dad, I'm sorry. I should have done something. I miss you . . . I miss you more than anything, and I can't help feeling that it's all my fault. I would do anything to get you back. To get both of you back." As I say that, guilt seeps into my blood, chilling me as I realize that I don't really miss my mom that much. What terrible person isn't that sad their own mother dies? It's not like I didn't love her when she was alive, that's not it . . . it's more just that we had nothing in common, and most of the times that we were together it felt like she went out of her way to put me down and make me feel like I wasn't good enough.

But my dad . . . he was always there for me, no matter what. He loved me unconditionally, and just wanted me to be what made me most happy in life.

The feeling of complete hopelessness washes over me as the reality sets in that I'll never be able to talk to him again-hear his voice, hug him, see him smile or laugh. What am I going to do? How am I going to know what decisions to make without him? He's my best friend- was my best friend.

I suddenly find my throat constricting and eyes stinging, andI strip off my covers. Without sparing another second, I sprint barefoot downstairs to the back door, from where I run across the backyard and to the green belt. When I finally stop, I fall to my knees, chest heaving, and hit hold both sides of my head as if it'll fall apart without my hands there. I can't live without him! I need him back . . . I don't know what to do anymore.

Unable to hold back my emotions any longer, I scream into the night- I scream and scream and scream until my throat is raw and no sound comes out but high-pitched squeaks and whimpers. Then I let myself collapse back onto the grass and curl into a ball, letting the tears flow silently.

My mind soon wanders to mom, and my guilt resurfaces for not feeling the same way about her. She's dead, and yet I still hate her. What is wrong with me? If I had only tried harder, maybe did more chores, and wasn't so argumentative, we could have had the relationship I always yearned for.

I just want it to end. I just want things to go back to the way they used to. I just want the pain to stop.

Hey everyone! I know this chapter is short, but the next part doesn't really fit with the theme of this one. I hope you enjoyed it!