All the Lies We Tell

4. Parker J.

And there she goes, out the door, yet again.

I knew that would happen when I was honest about how I felt. It's been her reaction to everything lately; running instead of facing her issues. I bet she left because she didn't want to burden me with her sadness, but I only ever want her to stay. Why can't she see that?

If there is anyone who should be sitting here in therapy with me, it's my sister.

Doctor Thompson gives me the look, the same one he has been giving me the last few weeks.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"That was a big moment for you and your sister. How do you feel about her leaving right now?"

"How I always feel when she leaves."

"Which is?"

"Alone."

My mom full-on cries next to me. My hand turns white by how hard she's gripping it. It annoys me that she's the one who has to shoulder all the crap I'm going through. She shouldn't have to be going through this alone because of me. Avery isn't here, William isn't here, my mom has no one except for me, and I'm only half a person lately.

"Mom, it's ok."

"No, it's not ok, Parker," she sobs as she takes back her hand to hide her face in it. "You shouldn't have to feel this way."

"But I do," I say and she looks at me. "It's ok that I do because it's only temporary. It'll get better," I look at Doctor Thompson. "I'll get better."

"Yes, you will," Doctor Thompson smiles confidently, and that makes me smile. He believes in me, so I will believe in me as well. Even if I have to fake it for a while to make it.

Doctor Thompson talks to my mom about the plan for my return to normalcy and she begins to calm down. I take her hand back in mine, grateful for her strength. She's the best person in the world. My heart feels heavy as I think of how I hurt her, but I promised her that I'd get better so she never has to feel that hurt ever again.

. . .

2 months ago.

A week had gone by since Avery left, and I hadn't heard from her. My sister left for Europe with Cage to hunt down the man who hurt her, even when I asked her not to go. I should've told her why I needed her to stay, but I couldn't form the words. How does one say Please stay cause I'm scared I'm in too deep, I'm not ok? Avery used to listen to me, used to see me, but I didn't feel like that anymore. She was too busy worried about everyone else to realize that I needed someone, too.

I cuddled into my pillow and swiped through the photos on my phone. I missed Laney and our friendship. I hurt her badly, but I never meant to. I wanted to like her the way she wanted me to; she's pretty and funny and everything anyone would want in a person. But I couldn't. And I hated myself for that.

I found a photo of Kris kissing me and I can't hold back the tears that come. I never wanted to be different, to have a target on my back, but with Kris, it didn't matter anymore. I wanted to be with him like I've never wanted anything before. I didn't care to be different for once, because being different meant that I got to be with him.

But that's not how it worked out.

Laney is still mad at me, but I don't care. I want to be with you.

I'm scared, I told Kris as we walked down the hallway together, sneaking moments of our fingers touching by our sides. I care about her and I don't want to hurt her any more than I have.