Not Who You Thought (BxB Drama-Romance)

Love, Charlie

Now

Dear Lucas,

My therapist said I need to stop apologizing as much as I do. I wanted to start this letter by saying I was sorry, except I know now that isn't the right thing to say. I'm not sorry about our relationship. I'm not sorry about the things we did together. I swear up and down that I love you, even if it didn't start that way.

I know I need to be more honest. The things that happened to me aren't exactly things I can tell anyone. My shrink said that maybe you'd be a good person to confide in, because you're my boyfriend. I literally talk about you constantly. I always tell Mellissa (that's my therapist's name) that you were always nice to me and made me comfortable. I don't think she believes I know how to have normal sex or a good relationship, even though I keep telling her you were all that for me.

I'm working on releasing things that aren't in my control. If you read this and realize you can't still be with me, I understand. I accept there isn't anything I can do about that, and I know that if I don't tell you the truth I'm being dishonest. I don't want to hold you back from living a full life with someone else that doesn't have my issues.

The first time it happened with my dad I was six. I was getting ready for bed, which I know now I was old enough to do on my own. He was always hands on with getting me dressed and undressed, I never did it on my own. That night he didn't let me get in my pajamas, though. Then after that, there were a lot of nights he didn't let me get dressed. He would make me fold my clothes and lay me out naked on the bed.

I used to be really worried that I liked it. I didn't like the sex or the things we did, but I enjoyed what happened afterwards. After he told me he loved me and would give me a bath. If I cried he would hug me, and that felt good. My dad was the kind of guy who never told me that he loved me, and would spank me for no reason. It was a big deal that he would give me baths, hug me, and tell me he loved me.

I posed for the camera and did what he wanted, because I didn't have any other options. It was all I knew. I was just doing what I was taught.

I knew about the other kids. I didn't understand, but I knew. I did the things he wanted me to do with them. He was careful; he never preyed on children that were likely to tell anyone what had happened to them. You were perfectly vulnerable, because you were a child raised by a busy single mother. She used to get caught up talking after the church service was over, and would pick you up late. You were a child that flew under the radar more than the wealthy white kids with their two parents did.

When I look back I don't know that I can say exactly why I hid you. All I know is that I was sure that what had been happening to me shouldn't happen to anyone else. I didn't want you to get hurt, I never wanted anyone to get hurt.

By the time I was seven I started having a lot of behavioral issues. I stopped talking, I was a chronic bed-wetter, and I didn't interact with other kids normally. I used to pretend to be an animal and would bark or meow instead of speak. My dad started hitting me more, and then burning me with a clothing iron when hitting me didn't correct my bad behavior. My parents tried to make things look normal by enrolling me in the little league and keeping me in public school.

That's when I saw you again at baseball practice. I'm going to sound crazy, I'm sorry. I thought you were the neatest person I'd ever met. You were nice to everyone, popular, and athletic. You were good looking and charismatic. I know we were only nine, but you were the coolest nine year old I'd ever seen. You were normal, whole, and well.

The day you gave me a granola bar I hadn't eaten. I stopped eating at different times in my life, because it made me feel better. I didn't like putting anything in me, and sometimes I'd make myself puke if my parents forced me to eat. I was slow on the field, it was hot, and the coach was yelling at me. You were there on the bench when I went to sit. You said I looked hungry, and then you gave me your snack. I wanted to be your friend so badly after that, but not in a normal way. Melissa says you were my first crush.