Faceless Instincts

The Drunk Demons

A million emotions rushed inside me. Nikolai? I couldn't believe it. Why did he lie? Every instance where Nikolai was so keen to help me find out things about Dorian now made absolute sense. 

His veiled anger when I accused Dorian's brother back when we were in Dorian's house now seemed more reasonable. 

The way he looked at the house and seemed hesitant to go inside. The way he listened to me talk about Dorian. The way he inspected Dorian's health conditions. 
The way he wanted to know the potential reason behind Dorian's illness now seemed perfectly planned moments. 

He had fooled me for so long. This was the reason he didn't want me to come to goldbridge. He knew I would find out about him. A sharp pain physically jostled me when I thought about all the moments that we had spent together,  moments where I felt something pure for him. Something so strong that it faded my vision of Dorian. 

I couldn't believe it,  swallowing this pill of truth was hard. I wanted to know why he did it. If he wanted to find Dorian, then why not simply say so. Why did he hide?  Why did he not wanted me to find out the truth? Most of all, why did he made me feel all those things when he knew about me and Dorian, or did he not?

I reached the B&B and found Nikolai sitting at the table, reading a paper. His face was as calm as the sky before a storm and his demeanour was amicable. I couldn't shake the feeling of dread that was building inside me, and I stood there frozen. Do I confront him or do I let it all play out? 

I went with the latter and trudged inside the tea room. I had already given my bag to Will before coming to the tea room, just to be safe.

Nikolai looked up and his expression changed, something between anger and guilt flashed in his eyes and he stepped towards me, all of a sudden he appeared tall and I felt so small,  "Kiara" He said.

"Nikolai, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Can we talk somewhere else?" He said looking around and I nodded.

We walked through the garden in complete silence, I fumbled with my keys as I unlocked the door and entered the room.

"Nikolai I... " Before I could say anything I heard the door shut and lock, "Nik.. "

I got ceased by his sudden movement,  the next thing I know was how I was completely enveloped in his embrace,  "Nikolai"

"Why did you come here alone?" He mumbled and my heart churned, I felt disgusted with myself for not pulling away

With the loss of memory came the loss of myself. I didn't remember anything about Dorian and me, and in the process of helping him the support I got from Nikolai made me lean towards him. I caught feelings and now I felt nothing but filth.

I hated myself but I also admitted that I had strong feelings for Nikolai. However remembering Dorian I just felt like betraying his memory - a memory that I didn't have anymore. 

"I had to," I said slowly.

He looked at me,  "why didn't you tell me then?"

"I thought I had already burdened you so much with my problems," I glanced up at him, "I didn't want to burden you more"

He stepped back, "I have told you before,  nothing is a burden for me, I want to help you."

The words hit differently this time. It was a hollowed feeling, "why are you helping me, Nikolai?" I asked, leaning against the table. 

He looked at me, "why do you think?"

"I can't think of anything, that's why I am asking."

He looked at me with narrowed eyed, "I brought some whiskey, would you like some?"