it's still on me // da baby

one.

I screamed in agony as I pushed for 10 seconds. I've been in labor for hours now, but now it was finally time to push. I felt like I was dying. I heard the doctor tell me it was time to push again, so I beared down and yelled out again.

After about five minutes of pushing, I heard my baby's loud shrill. I felt my body relax just a little. The nurse showed me my daughter for a few seconds and then immediately left the room.

I begin to cry, "No, bring my baby back" over and over. I tried to run after her but I was handcuffed to the birthing bed.

My loud sobs and the clinking of the cuff were the only things to be heard.

I laid in the hospital bed, in a constant flux of sadness. But it was my fault and mine only. I could've left; instead I chose murder.

But who wouldn't?

That was my bestfriend. Or so I thought. She deserved to die. Sure, I wasn't the best bestfriend. I said and did things to her that I shouldn't have. But I would have never did that to her. I would have never betrayed her like that. She deserved to die, so I pulled the trigger.

****

I got to the hospital as quick as I could. I was told that Jasiah was giving birth.

I was lucky to be here. She shot me, but I deserved it. I can't even lie, I was moving dirty as a mothafucka. Moving reckless, too.

I finally made it to the nursery. As I looked through the window, I could easily spot my daughter. She already looked 100% like her mother. That fucked with me, but at least she ain't look like a alien or a bug. Either way, she already took up the other half of my heart.

Two princesses. I thought. I smiled from ear to ear just staring at her.

The nurse motioned for me to come into the nursery. She told me about doing skin to skin. Jasiah couldn't do it, and that honestly hurt me.

I was led to a room. The lights were dim. There was a chair. Once I sat down and got into a comfortable position, the nurse told me to take my shirt off. She placed my daughter on my chest, and I felt the tears in my eyes.

I looked at her little sleeping face, and all I saw was Jasiah. She moved around a little bit, making the softest of noises. She purses her lips out and I laughed a little bit.

"It'll be time to feed her soon, would you like to do that?"

I nodded my head yes. I couldn't even speak right now. Babygirl opened her eyes a little bit instantly closed them back.

"We also need a name for her," the nurse spoke. "But I'm gonna let you spend your time with her before we get into all of that. I'll be back with her bottle soon."

Once she left the room. I started talking to my daughter.

"Hey babygirl. You are so beautiful like your mother. Unfortunately, mommy won't be able to hold you and touch you but I know she will love you forever. Daddy is sorry that he took mommy away from you babygirl."

I couldn't help but to cry. I pushed Jasiah to the point of no return. I broke her.

I placed a kissed on her head and continued to watch her sleep. But all I could think about what Jasiah. I didn't know how she was doing or anything. I hadn't seen her since that fateful day.

My thoughts were broken by by the nurse bringing in her bottle.

I gently woke her up and placed the bottle by her mouth. She started to suckle on it.

After taking in a couple ounces, she stopped suckling. I grabbed one of the baby blankets and placed it over my shoulder and gently started to burp her.

After hearing her little burp, I removed the blanket and place her back on my bare chest.

I started to think of the perfect name for her.

Xoie Saaliyah Kirk.

****

All I wanted was my baby. How could they take her without letting me touch her?

I couldn't stop crying. It got so bad that they had to give me a sedative.

The nurse pushed the medication in my IV, and I started to relax. My mind still worried about my daughter though.

I woke up and my mind instantly went back to my daughter. I just wished I could see her one last time before I go back to the detention center. They allowed me to stay in the hospital one more day.

I should be able to see my daughter. I couldn't even name her. That bussed a hole in my heart. One I wouldn't recover from. I couldn't touch her, couldn't feel her, couldn't smell her. And that broke me down. But it was my own fault—- that broke me down more. I'm the cause of my daughter not having a mother. I'm disgusted with myself.

****

The two COs drug me by my cuffed arms into the jail transport vehicle. They pushed me into the back and shackled my ankles to the metal pole under the van bench. It was a grueling ride back to the jail.

Once there, I had to submit to another strip search since I'd left the premises. I felt so degraded and less than.

Once the cell door shut behind me, I cried myself to sleep, again.