it's still on me // da baby

four.

I slowly opened my eyes. I groaned a little at the pain I felt in my head. I must have eventually cried myself to sleep.

The room was dark, but I could see the dawn beginning to peek through the blackout curtains. It felt amazing to sleep on an actual bed. It felt even better being free.

I closed my eyes and thanked God for giving me a second chance. I also asked for forgiveness again—- something I did multiple times a day.

I never thought I'd be a murderer, but a person can only take so much before that explode. I reached that point. I started to cry again because I never thought I'd be this broken in life.

I must have zoned out for a long time because next thing I know, Jonathan was walking into the room. I truly despised him, at least I think I did.

"We needa talk about some serious shit."

I actually agreed. "Yeah, let me take a shower first though."

I walked out of my room, looking for him. I didn't really know the house. I just opened random doors until I opened Xoie's bedroom door. Her room was so beautiful. Once again, I got emotional—-I was supposed to be the one who decorated her room.

My baby was living lavish, as she should. She had a huge walk in closet.

She was standing up in her crib repeatedly calling for her "da da." I walked all the way in and grabbed her from the crib. "Hiiii pretty girl." She started smiling at me and that warmed my heart.

"Okay, mama, let's go find your daddy."

The next thing I know, I heard his voice, "In the kitchen." I looked around and saw the baby monitor. She was excited to hear his voice, almost jumping straight outta my arms. So I put her down and grabbed her hand.

I picked her up once we reached the staircase. Walking into the kitchen, I smelled breakfast. Such a pleasant smell. Once she saw him she started saying, "Da da."

"Heyyy my baby," he smiled while grabbing her from me. He kissed her cheeks and she literally gushed over him. I couldn't help but smile. He was a terrible person, but an amazing dad. I couldn't deny that.

"You ready to eat mamas?" She got happy as hell when she heard that.

He laughed, "Aight aight, calm down girl." He put her in her high chair and placed a bottle with water, some tiny pieces of bananas and strawberries and a spoonful of scrambled eggs in front of her. She instantly went for the fruit. I smiled again.

"You hungry?"

"A little bit."

He fixed himself a plate and sat it on the island. Then yo my surprise he fixed me one as well.

"Water or juice?"

"Water."

He handed me the bottle and sat down. I followed suit. I bowed my head to say my personal grace, but he started saying grace aloud. After that, we started to eat.

I walked into the bedroom, my shirt soaked with tears. We sat in the kitchen and had a real ass conversation. The conversation actually wasn't over, but I was getting very frustrated and needed a break. Xoie did as well. I think she was ready to get cleaned up and to take a nap. Good food will do that to you.

I pulled the wet shirt off, not bothering to put it in the laundry basket. I used the remote to turn the air temperature down to 60. I jumped directly into the bed and wrapped myself in the thick comforter. And I just closed my eyes and fell into my thoughts. I knew I needed help, and I needed to find it soon.

My eyes popped open due to feeling someone staring at me. I laughed as I saw Xoie all in my face. I tickled her stomach while asking, "What you doing in here XoXo?" She went into a fit of laughter. I sat up and pulled her onto my lap and gave her kisses. She kicked and laughed.
-
I didn't realize her dad was there until he spoke, "Get up. We gotta go get you together."

I looked at him confused. "You need a phone and allat, right?"

I agreed, and got up from the bed and went into the bathroom with Xo to brush my teeth.

"We still gotta finish our conversation."

I nodded my head in agreement. Not really trying to think about that. I searched for the rehab facility I was in to look for the contact information for my old therapist. After getting her information, I immediately sent her an email. Hopefully she'd respond sometime later today or early tomorrow.

I watched as he placed the last bags down in my room. Our entire relationship is awkward now, well at least for me. He goes on like we're cool with each other. I wasn't cool with him. But unfortunately, right now, he's the only resource I have. I also knew that I'd have to deal with him for basically the rest of my life.

"Thanks," I spoke.

He nodded his head in acknowledgment.

"You ready to finish our conversation?"

"I guess." I sat on the bed and he did the same.

We talked for a long time. It was a hard conversation. But I expressed exactly how I felt about him. No matter how bad it was. I can tell my words affected him, but that was the point of having the conversation. I never thought I could feel this way about a person, but I do. And I don't think it'll change. Ever.