it's still on me // da baby

three.

I saw him standing on the other side of the gate. I cringed and became nauseous at the sight of him.

The gate quickly slid open, but I slowly approached him. He was supposed to be dead. But here he is. What's worse is I'm tied to him for the rest of our lives.

I walked past him without saying a word and got into the backseat of the car; I couldn't sit beside him.

I wish I had someone else to pick me up, but my family has stopped talking to me after what I did.

About an hour or so later we arrived at his house. Of course he moved after what happened.

This house was really nice. It sat on more property than the last one and was bigger.

I absolutely hated the car ride here. It seemed like it took forever.

Once inside, he showed me to a room. It was plain white—-stark. Before he could walk out, I spoke up.

"Where is my daughter?"

"She wit my mama. Go take a shower and get yaself together. She'll be here when you done. Clothes in the closet."

I immediately went into  the bathroom. I could not hold my daughter for the first time covered in the awfulness of prison.

My head popped up as the room door opened. Immediately tears welled in my eyes and fell down my face. He held her little hand in has as they walked in the room together. She was the most beautiful thing on this earth. The last memory I had was the day she was born, and how it was cut so short.

I quickly jumped up and walked toward them. With no hesitation, I kneeled down in front of her and grabbed her hand.I couldn't help but to stare are her in a daze.

She looked at me, pulled her hand away and balled her face up before she started crying. My heart broke. Of course she'd cry, she doesn't know me at all.

I picked her up and tried to comfort her, but it wasn't working. This made me cry more. After my failure, he took her from me and calmed her down.

I was defeated. I was hurt. My daughter doesn't know me, and it's my own fault.

I was so hurt and so pissed at myself. I've missed all lot of her life already. I've missed being able to bond with my daughter. I didn't even know her name.

I knew nothing about the baby I carried within me. I can tell it hurt him too.

He spoke out, "She just gotta get used to you. You're new to her."

He handed her back to me.

"This is Xoie Saaliyah Kirk, our daughter."

I took her.

He spoke, "XoXo, it's okay. This your mommy."
(XoXo pronounced ZoZo)

He spoke to me, "Hold her close to you. Rub her back."

I followed his instructions. She stayed in place, without crying. I smiled as tears fell from my eyes again.

I rubbed her back and slowly danced around with her. She was so calm and at peace this time.

She just laid there on my chest, staring into my eyes. I was absolutely in love. I knew from this minute forward I'd be inseparable from her.

Most mothers experience this the day they give birth. However, my actions didn't allow me the opportunity.

It has been hours since I first held my baby, and I haven't put her down since. She had fallen asleep in my arms, but now she was squirming around; I'm sure she was about to wake up.

On cue, he walked in with with a bottle, ready to feed her. He grabbed her from my arms and put the bottle to her mouth; she started to suck with her eyes still closed. My heart broke a little; I just wanted to hold her close to me forever.

He seemed to realize my sadness, but he didn't give her back to me. I just watched as he sat her on the bed and she grabbed the bottle and fed herself.

A new wave of sadness came over me, as I always expected to breastfeed my baby. Now, she and I will never get that experience. I felt tears pool in the wells of my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away.

I wondered to myself about everything I've missed. She was almost 1, and I missed it all. This time I couldn't control the tears—they fell silently but uncontrollably.

I tried to wipe them way, but my eyes were like Niagara Falls.

"What the fuck you doing all this cryin fa?"

I didn't even answer him; he was obviously trying to start drama and I'm not in the mood for any of that. I just wanna bond with my daughter. That's it.

"Youn hear me talkin ta you?"

I continued to ignore him.

"Bet." He got up, helped Xoie off the bed and walked out of the bedroom, her right behind him.

What kind of spiteful shit is that?

I absolutely hated him and I forever would.