Serotonin(on hold)

but why?

What is love?
I can give you many definitions about the word love, but "love" isn't just a word, it isn't something you can say and get away with it, love is what we are made from, we are created by love,we are raised with love, we learn to love and what we look for in this world is love. We want to be loved by others, because love makes you feel safe,makes you feel alive. They say that we accept the love we think we deserve,but how do i know what kind of love do i deserve. Where can I find this kind of love? If you know what love is, not just the definition but the essence the essence that burns you from the inside, that reminds you that you are a human. Love has many forms love is unique love is pure, love is when I see you and just seeing you happy makes me happy. We don't understand the love, we don't need to because if we try to understand love we tend to control it, but love can't be controlled, love is free, it is the only thing you can't buy with money. Love is what makes your heart beat, your soul shake, you eyes wet,your cheeks heat. Love is not harmful we are, we use love to harm people. If you love someone you should tell him/her/them love makes you brave. Love is beautiful,love Is you.

I closed my notebook and started crying, why? Because I felt the need to cry. In the past I used to cut but now I cry instead of cutting,sometimes I can't control myself but i have made a promise to the girls and to myself that I will never cut again and I have to keep it. As i was thinking about the past ,the cutting my mind flew at what happened on Saturday with Shawn,i have been shocked since that day, I told the girls everything besides the fact that I saw those cuts in his wrist, I couldn't say that to them I can't I just can't. I started cry even more, I couldn't stop myself, Shawn cuts himself,no way. He looks so happy,his eyes shine when he smiles, his face shows a heart warming happiness,but then i remembered ,i look happy too but am I? No, not at all. I was crying for the both of us, this is insane I don't know him or his story, I don't know why he cut but here I am crying for him. I am crying because I feel his pain, I saw it in his eyes when I asked him, I saw the fear in his eyes. I am crying for Shawn but why? Do i love him or I am crying because I understand how he feels.
I have been crying for two hours now. I went in front of the mirror and I saw my face, my eyes were red and puffy,my lips were trembling. I went to the bathroom and washed my face. As i was laying down in my bed again someone knocked on my bedroom door.
Gwen: go away.
Ira: open your door right now.
Gwen: I said go away I am not in the mood.
Kay: Gwen you have been locked in your room for 2 days open your door please.
Gwen: is Sonia, Claire and redi with you too?
Claire: yeah we are here.
Great!
Gwen: wait.
I got out of my bed and went to open the door, I opened it and went to the bed again.
Kay: get up! Get up now we are going out!
Gwen: okay cool you guys have fun.
Kay: you are coming with us
Gwen: who says so?
Kay: I do
Gwen: well you are not my mother so please leave I am not in the mood.
Kay: i don't care get up.
Gwen: Kay leavee me alone!!!!
I was so angry and I was about to break into tears.
Ira: guy don't fight. Gwen hun what's wrong? You haven't been at school for 2 days and you are in these conditions ,tell us what happened.
Gwen: nothing I an just sick.
Ira: you aren't fooling us Gwen,so tell us the truth.
They all set in my bed and I was still under my blankets.
Gwen: I don't feel good emotionally.
Claire: we figured that out but why.
Gwen: this is something I can't tell.
Sonia: oh so now you are keeping secrets.
Gwen: no son is not like that is just i can't say it because I need to understand what is happening,to be clear with my self then I might tell you what is happening.
Redi: listen Gwen,we are here for you,we are your best friends,we are here to cheer you up
Gwen: I really love you guys so much but as i said I am not in the mood.
Kay: Gwen you need to get out of the room,come with us we are going out, bowling.
Gwen: no you guys go without me.
Kay: come on gwen please come with us please please.
She started jumping up and down in my bed like a little kid ugh.
Gwen: okay okay I am up I'll come just stop ruining my bed.
Yaaaayyy they all said.
Gwen: I am going to take a quick shower and get dressed. Wait here.
I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry, man I am so hysteric but i can't say no to the girls. After I took a shower I got dressed,and I didn't bothered to fix my hair I just put a beanie.
Gwen: ready.
Claire: okay let's go.
Gwen: are we supposed to walk to the bowling area because if we are walking I rather stay here in my room.
Claire: no I took my sisters car,dont you worry.
Gwen: okay then let's go.
We all went to the car and then left,the ride was short and through the whole time the girls were trying to cheer me up but they failed.
Kay: okay guys we are here, let's go.
We went to the bowling alley and the girls started playing In no time I just sat there watching to them.
Ira: come on Gwen play with us it's fun.
Gwen: I know it's fun but i don't want to.
Ira: come on grumpy cat just one shot.
Gwen: okay okay just one.
I stood up and took the ball from ira's hands and BAM strike, all the bowls fell down.
Gwen: happy? Now can I sit?
Ira: yeah you can or maybe you can go and talk to Shawn?
Gwen: what??
Ira: turn around.
When I turned around I saw Shawn he was bowling with some friends,laughing and smile but suddenly he saw me and his smile disappeared,his face was now sad. He said something to his friend and he started to walk in my direction.
Shawn: hi.
Is he serious!!
Gwen: hi.
Shawn: can we talk?
Gwen: no we can't!
Shawn: Gwen please let's talk.
Gwen: okay.
Shawn: let's go outside.
We went outside and there I was I don't know why but I was feeling so angry.
Gwen: okay shoot what do you have to say?
Shawn: I am sorry that I left you there alone.
Gwen: apology not accepted can I go now?
Shawn: Gwen please forgive me i am sorry.
Gwen: why why did you left, like we were holding Hands having a good time, laughing and smiling,why did you left. Was I a bad company,you got tired of me? Why?
Shawn: because you were asking questions.
Gwen: it was just a question you could of have said that you don't want to answer it.
Shawn: well you should of have never asked me that question.
Gwen: why???
I was so frustrated I was yelling.
Shawn: I can't say anything about this besides why are you so angry and worried???
Gwen: because I like you moron I like you!!!
There I said it. Dead silence. His face had no expression. We stayed like that for two minutes. Then I asked.
Gwen: do you like me too.
Shawn: no sorry Gwen no, you are just a good friend to me that's it. Sorry.
And with that he left. I was shocked I started crying. Gwen you are so stupid so so stupid!!! I couldn't go back inside I decided to go home, crying and sobbing.