To Speak One Word

3. Torture

It had been one month since I heard from Alice. The last time we spoke, she had given me another update and I couldn't handle much more. I couldn't keep hearing about Bella without being able to see her, to touch her or to promise her everything was okay. I hated myself for hurting her. Alice had told me "she's really not doing well, you might want to reconsider this". I can't believe I decided to hurt her like this. Just to save her?
By now, I was hoping Mike Newton had asked her out, and she was spending time with friends talking poorly of me. But from what Alice said, Bella was nearly incapable of even walking. Because of me.  I caught myself yelling at Alice, trying to find a way to blame this on her. Updating me about the fragile heart I had just shattered. I warned Alice about what would happen if she gave me another unasked for update, and that was the last time she called me.
I sat still, sulking in Rio, not keeping the house tidy anymore. My clothes were tossed carelessly across the floor and bed. Broken frames holding old copies of my favorite paintings, all ripped to pieces on the floor. Pages of poetry in which I tried to study, all spelled out her name. CDs I tried listening to, all sung her name. This was torture and I wanted to put myself through this. Stuck in sunny Rio, I was damned to a bedroom. I hunted at night when I was near starvation, and only drank the bare minimum. My existence was diminishing.
There was a sudden knock on my door. I stared at the wall, hoping it would go away. Another knock. I leaned against it to read the mind of whoever stood across me.
I looked away as I opened the door, knowing how I looked, was extremely unpleasant.
He stood there in absolute silence, and sighed, "Are you going to invite me in?"
My father's eyes were penetrating me. I couldn't meet them back, "Come in," I barely was able to say. I couldn't even remember the last time I spoke out loud.
He walked passed me. His mind was pretty much silent, just my name was in his mind, in a tone of worry and sadness. He sat in a chair I hadn't broken yet, in front of a small table against the wall where my paintings used to hang.
I sat on the bed, looking out of the window.
"Edward, at least go somewhere where you can get outside. This isn't healthy, and I'm not sure I can allow it to continue."
I didn't respond. He spoke again.
"Edward, this will kill your mind. Humans use what you're doing to yourself as actual torture."
I nodded.
"Your brothers miss you."
Emmett and Jasper flooded his mind. They both just spoke to him today.
"They aren't coming here, are they?"
He shook his head.
"I miss them too, I miss all of you Carlisle, but I don't want anymore unannounced visits."
He sighed. He glanced around the room, then back at me, "Again, Edward. At least go somewhere else. I won't let you do this. Go somewhere where you can talk to people, walk around, or just sit outside during the day. I'm warning you, son. This is not how to handle what you're feeling."
I thought about what he was saying, and his mind was obviously begging me to listen. He was right, but I didn't want to do any of that.
"Edward, talk to me."
I finally met his eyes, and his mind went haywire. In his mind, I was the unhealthiest he'd ever seen me. He was concerned I wasn't hunting enough. He was scared, but trying not to push me.
I thought hard, "Do you think I did the right thing? And what do you think is going to happen to me?"
He kept his eyes on me, "I think whatever you want to do, is right. I trust you, Edward. I think you were making a smart decision to ensure the safety of someone you love, and I think you're a selfless man."
He sighed, and walked over to the window looking out.
"I also think you belong with Bella. And I think she knows that, too. I think, no matter what, she is going to wait for you. But what you decide to do with that being said, is your choice, son and I will support you. Truthfully? I want you to be happy and this right now, is not it."
He turned around and smiled, "Please consider leaving this place. Even just for a little while."
I nodded. I knew he was right. I knew I belonged with Bella, but I didn't know how to have her in my kind of life and know every second, that she was safe. At the birthday party, the main reason I was blaming myself over Jasper, was because of how hard I pushed her away from him. I was the one who caused the injury that Carlisle himself had to stitch, not Jasper. He didn't even touch her. How could I blame him?
I also knew Carlisle was right about where I decided to spend my time. I subconsciously chose a place I wouldn't be able to spend any time outside. A place I couldn't be around people unless it was nighttime. No one could see me, and that was what I wanted. But Carlisle's mind was pained by my self inflicted punishment. He knew this would break me. This would crack my mind. He was scared of what I'd be like, spending years like this.
"Esme is waiting. I'll be in touch." He hugged me, "Call your sister."
Esme. The name caused his thoughts to shift. He almost spoke to me through them. They were saying she didn't want to come in here because she didn't want to see me like this. It would break her heart. She knew I wasn't well, and she also knew no matter how hard she tried, I wouldn't let her help me.
I had to clear my throat before speaking again. It was probably a whole month since I spoke out loud, "Do you have any ideas?"
He cocked his eye brow.
"Of where I can go?"
He smiled, "You could try Iceland. I have friends there I can call. Also Finland is a good option. Places you can actually take a step outside around humans." He patted my back, "you may need to remind yourself how to act."
They were good options. And he was right, about maybe interacting with society again. In a short moment, Carlisle was gone.
I had no proof that this visit actually happened. I immediately was aware this may not have even happened. I looked around the room, to find any evidence that Carlisle was actually just there. I couldn't remember the position of the chair before he moved it to sit down. The crack in my mind was forming.