To Speak One Word

7. Reason

The Volturi was keeping an eye on me, slowly walking past the room I was in a few times every hour. Their minds were confused about my true reason of being here, concern I was working with my family to gain intelligence of some kind, or that I finally did decide to stay with them. But they were confused why I wasn't leaving the room. One of them kept thinking how disgusting I looked, and wasn't sure my intentions were good.
The night sky was pitch black, but it wasn't quiet outside. This area was so lively. Perfect for my plan B. I didn't want to hurt or kill anyone, it was one of my biggest fears. But at the other end of it, it would most certainly insure my death. Especially killing someone in the animalistic way we do in front of a crowd, while my skin glimmered in the warm Italian sun.
My mind was infected with killing, and with Bella. Her eyes kept meeting mine in my mind. The way she blinked slowly before looking at me. The dark brown in her eyes was the warmest feeling someone could feel. And that, I killed. My entire existence killed her. Her death proved everything I had ever thought of myself. I had no right to abduct her from a normal and long life. I ruined her family's life, and I robbed the world of a pure and soft heart. So pure and soft, it was even capable to fall in love with a monster.
I felt as if I was actually seeing her in front of me. Her eyes were begging me to stop, and to forgive myself. Her lips quivered at the thought of what I was planning to do. Only if she knew this was truly who I was, who she always ignored to see. Since I never knew or experienced a love like this, I assumed part of it was utter acceptance. In which though, I did not deserve. Who I was, deserved nothing. I left to protect her, to save her. I left and it killed her. There was no way around it.
Edward, you don't have to do this. I jumped a little hearing her voice, and kept my eyes shut. Edward, please. I'm begging you, leave and find Alice. Why find Alice? I thought to myself. Since obviously Bella wasn't really talking to me, why would I want myself to find Alice? There was nothing anyone could tell me that would better this situation at all. Nothing would redeem the loss. Nothing would take me away as the cause of her death.
Edward, I love you. This is not what you're supposed to do.
My body and mind was reaching a point of delirium. I started to ignore her voice, realizing it was causing more pain. Her velvet voice, her real voice, was something I would never hear again. Just hearing it in my mind say my name, made me want to begin my plan faster. Hearing her voice was an incredible punishment.
I love you. Please, stop it.
"I love you, too. I'm sorry I did this to you." I replied weakly out loud. My throat was dry and begging for blood. My vision was nearly failing at this point. Maybe I would die before sunrise. Maybe dying of starvation would be a more suitable death for what I've done.
I remembered how angry her father was at me when she ended up in the hospital for 'falling down the stairs'. His mind when he saw me for the first time after hearing this happened on my watch, he wanted to kill me. He was so scared of how fragile she was, and that I wasn't capable of taking care of her. He was concerned that if our relationship would last into a marriage, I wouldn't be able to protect her and keep her safe.
The list I could make of the people I've hurt and disappointed would be as long as the list of things I loved about her.
My entire life was a mistake, and I wished I would hallucinate Carlisle again to ask him why he bothered saving me. I was meant to meet and love Bella, but I couldn't do it correctly.
•
The sun finally had come, and the time was almost right for my departure. There was a festival happening right outside of the Volturi's residence. I had an entire audience; I would be quite a spectacle for a festival honoring the extinction of vampires in Italy. At least they'd be able to celebrate one's death.
I was brought more blood after I hid the first batch they gave me. The mind of the man who came to check on me had started to become very suspicious of me. He intended to speak to Aro about it in private; he didn't trust me.
I figured I should survive until my suicide, so I drank some of the blood. My body quickly absorbed the nutrients and it was thankful. My vision was slightly back to normal, and the burning in my eyes ceased.
I hoped to imagine seeing Bella again before I died. I hoped to hear her voice again and I planned on responding again with all prayers that she'd hear me. To speak one word to this woman whom I loved and wouldn't stop loving, even in death, would be "Forgive".
I started my way out of the room, toward the front door of the Volturi's palace. I started unbuttoning the shirt I'd been wearing for a lack of better words, a very long time. I kept my eyes closed and saw only her eyes. Her eyes were a reminder of my undying love and also the reason I could no longer proceed in this life. The eyes I had killed.
I opened the door and saw a flood of people from underneath the small slit of vision I was allowing myself to have. I felt the hot sun on my face and neck. Another step closer to death, I felt the heat on my shoulders. Another step closer to my death, I felt a slam of pressure on my chest. Being so close to starvation, it felt as if it smashed all of my bones. I felt arms around my neck, trying to push me quickly back into the building. It happened within an instant and I hoped it was the Volturi. I finally found the strength to open my eyes.
"Bella." I whispered.
"I'm here, Edward. Please, get back inside!" She was, I think, really there and she was most certainly in a panic.
"You're alive." I whispered again, unable to tell if this was truly happening.
"I'm here, Edward! I'm alive," she was pushing me more, "I'm really here."
All within a second, I felt all of my weakness come back to strength. I felt all of my purpose back. I felt all of my anger back into simplicity. I felt all of my darkness back into security. I felt her skin against mine, and I had every reason to survive again. And that reason was strictly to protect her at all costs, never to allow her away from me again.

I felt and I found every reason to live again.