To Speak One Word

5. Stale

I wasn't sure anymore how much time was passing. I didn't know how long I'd been back in Rio, or the last time I spoke to anyone in my family. I knew they were leaving me alone because they loved me, but I was aware of the pain I was putting them through.
I was allowing myself to get very close to starvation again, but still surviving somehow. I wondered when my stone body would give out. Or if that was even possible. There's probably no studies on vampires' bodies during starvation, I thought to myself, trying to rationalize what I was doing to myself. My morbid sense of humor entertained no one in my family. Rosalie sometimes liked it, though.
•
Days were passing without any acknowledgment on my end. On this particular day, I was trying to remember my entire conversation with the two vampires I met in Iceland. Without saying it, they pretty heavily implied that my only option was to change Bella. Everyone would lose if I didn't. I'd lose her, she'd lose me. But she would get to keep everything else. I couldn't presume my importance to her anymore. As far as I knew, she hated me and met a better partner in which she deserved. I had to stop myself everyday from reaching out to Alice to see if she knew anything. Which is why I had to eventually leave my cell phone off, and I assume why my family wasn't reaching out to me because they couldn't.
The main thing Alice would want to tell me, was that she agreed about changing Bella. I would have my partner forever, and she'd had me. She could defend herself much better, even though I'd still want that job to myself. My family would have a new member, in which they all loved already. But there were two people no one was thinking about in this scenario. We would have to tell Bella's parents she had some sort of accident and died. We'd have to leave forks, and she'd never see her friends again. Her father would be back to how he was before Bella came back to him. Bella would hate doing high school all over again somewhere else. She wouldn't forgive herself for hurting her father and mother. For abandoning her father. Would she be comfortable having only us, forever?
Regardless, my opinion didn't shake even a little bit. I would not take everything from her, just so I could have her. Why did no one else see that selfishness? After our last conversation, who's to say Bella even wanted me anymore?
Regardless, I would love her forever. That was true pain I never knew my soulless body could feel.
I replayed her face and voice over and over again often in my head. I traced the dusty stale air of this bedroom with my hand, as if to caress her face again. I would go centuries pretending she was next to me. If I needed to breathe, my lungs would have failed me. This crushing feeling I had in my chest wasn't going away, and it was close to what I'd imagine a heart attack felt like.
I hoped Bella was living a life she couldn't have with me. I hoped she was having dinners with Charlie, going on dates, visiting her mother, being out in the sun and swimming at La Push. I hoped she was doing well in school, picking out what colleges to go to, making new friends, and not thinking about me.
I walked to the small table next to the bed, and opened the drawer. I stood over it, and considered taking the picture out. I'd left it in there, upside down, since I got here and haven't yet looked at it. I picked up the picture and slowly turned it over. The crease in the middle was still there. I traced it, hoping I would feel her skin still on it. I traced her hair in the photo, hoping to smell it again. I was angry when I found this picture in her bedroom because of how she folded it to remove herself from it, only showing me. But the crease down the middle was the only physical thing I had that came from her. I stared at her face, looking at me next to her. Both dressed in black, both pale. We really looked like a couple. No human could compare to her. No vampire could compare to her.
She was my true mate, but I couldn't take her life away to be my mate forever. No one deserved losing her, so I would make the sacrifice. I would sacrifice having her forever, so her family could have her inside a happy, normal human life.
•
As more unkept for time passed, I was very close to starvation again. Probably on the actual verge of it. My vision wasn't as strong and my skin was nearly translucent. I decided to turn my phone on again, and jumped out of the window in the darkest hours of the night for a quick hunt.
Running through the fresh air alone brought me back to life a little bit. The condition of my skin probably made me a little more invisible as I ran, because the hunt was one of the easiest and quickest I'd ever had. The moon was bright. I looked into the water for a while before returning home. The white reflection of the moon reminded me of Bella's skin. Being brought to life by the graceful movements of water.
Upon returning to my stale bedroom, my cell phone was already mid ring. I opened it to check the name before answering. To my surprise, Rosalie was calling. The anticipation of what she would  possibly decide to say to me was intriguing.
"Rosalie," I answered. My voice being put to use again didn't sound as strong as I'd hoped.
"Edward, there's something I have to tell you. Sit down."