The Lord of Misrule

Chapter 3

"Concordia Discors" - Harmony in discord

"I can't believe you'd take advantage of me like that, you moldy cheese curd!" Her piercing jade eyes seared through his soul and he suddenly had the strangest of urges to whimper.

"B-But...." Mikael found it hard to string together a coherent response. His constant stuttering was getting in the way of his language skills.

"Not only did you have the gall to grab me, you filthy pig, you also let that bowl of lard humiliate me!"

Mikael sprang back up to his feet and gaped at her. "Me? I wasn't the one who stole from him! I was being a good Samaritan!"

"Oh, excuse me, I must have missed the edict where 'Good Samaritans' can go molest any woman they see fit!"

"Keh! Don't flatter yourself, girl. What enjoyment could I possibly muster by molesting a cutting board?" Mikael retorted with a nonchalant sneer. While she was petite and her breasts weren't going to be used as a flotation device any time soon, her figure still boasted a feminine charm that was hard to ignore.

"Oh please. You look like a boor that has more involved fetishes than just 'cutting boards'." Her stoic response was surprising.

Mikael seethed in indignation. "Are you daft? Trigenta's blood, I didn't even know you were a girl until then!"

"Stop calling me a girl, you tosspot. After twenty-one summers, I am most definitely a woman," she retorted, her voice rising sharply; so much for stoicism.

"Aye, Madame," he scoffed. "Surely stealing is a very lady-like thing to do."

She looked taken aback at the response, but recovered almost instantly with the most threatening glower she could muster. "I don't consider it stealing from that arrogant, low-life scum." She made an 'hmmph' noise and crossed her arms with finality.

"That's convenient. I should take up this practice of adjusting reality whenever it suits me." She continued to glare daggers at his insouciant attitude, when his face suddenly puckered into a frown. "And how in pig's bullocks is it possible to have a cutting board fetish? What can you even do with a cutting board in 'that' way?"

She balked and her eyes narrowed with skepticism. "Eh? Are you serious?"

"Of course. I demand to know what you were alluding to."

She laughed uneasily. "Demand? I don't think you're in a position to demand anything, you scheming lecher."

Mikael continued on like he didn't hear her, "What could one possibly do with a cutting board? Do you rub against it? Wouldn't that create too much friction and light your nadgers on fire?" The girl's cheeks reddened slightly. "Or maybe you make a hole?"

"You are a despicable wretch!" She huffed loudly and turned her back to him, her features rumpled in a mixture of surprise and disgust.

"Oy, oy! Why's this topic suddenly so embarrassing to you? Aren't you the one who decided to allude to it in the first place? If you're going to go with something, do it fully. If you do it half-heartedly, you'll end up with the same tepid insults forever."

"I don't even know how to reply to that. Are you sane?"

"Pshaw! A typical response from a commoner of low intellect. I trust that you'll keep on wallowing in the mud of your own ignorance," he quipped.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. Do you even have a point?" She sighed and pressed against her temple with her thumb and forefinger. His imperious demeanor was beginning to chisel away at her nerves. No, it was an act far less refined than that; bludgeoning was more like it. She shook her head and collected her cloak, dusting off the remnants of her struggle with Mawsby.