The Brave and the Broken

Too Close

Philophobia: the fear of loving and letting people get too close

      I opened my eyes to the moonlight. Even when I manage to fall asleep quickly, I don't get much sleep. I sighed. I rubbed my eyes then sat myself up to look around, wincing at the pain I had been trying so hard to ignore.

     Once I forced myself to pay attention to my surroundings, I saw Newt and Minho, still sitting across from us. Newt was leaning back against a tree, Minho's head in his lap. Both of them were asleep. Newt looked more peaceful than I had ever seen him. I found myself thinking back to the fight we had after the dreams, when he admitted that he was never truly happy.

      I realized in that moment that Newt was just like me, he was just as scared as I was and hated this place just as much as I did. But he loved his friends, and he kept it together for their sake. He pretended to be happy for their sake. Like a poor mother protecting her children. But at that moment, I thought I saw true peace and happiness in him, despite the fact that he was sleeping. Maybe I was completely wrong, maybe I was just overanalyzing the situation, but I don't think I was.

     Forcing myself out of my head, I looked around once again. This time, my eyes fell on Leo next to me. His arm had still been around me and his head on my shoulder. I was thankful that he was there to help and I had felt comfort in his touch. But I felt a pang in my chest as I realized that I had let him get too close. I had let everyone get too close. I barely knew these people and I was treating them as if I had known them all my life. I had stopped pretending to be happy and actually felt true happiness for the first time since I got here. For the first time in as long as I can remember. But at what cost? I had felt happy, but then Gally got hurt, and it was all my fault. I had let him get too close and all I did was hurt him.

     I came to a realization that, now more than ever, I needed to keep these boys at a distance. I cared about them. And, because I cared about them, I couldn't stand to see another get hurt on my behalf. We were lucky this time, Gally didn't get hurt too badly, but I was afraid of what could happen next time. So, I vowed that there wouldn't be a next time. That, from this point on, I would keep the people that I care about safe and at a distance. It was the only way.

     I forced the thoughts to the back of my mind for the moment and stood up slowly. I winced again as I forced my legs to work; to carry me away from this place and back, once again, to the Homestead to make sure Gally was still doing okay.

     The Moon was still out and the boys were still asleep but I knew that it had to have been less than an hour until Sunrise. I looked up at the stars in the cloudless sky, taking my time in my walk to the Homestead. I smiled, taking in all its beauty. As far as I was concerned, the night always will be my favorite time. When the stars are out and the Moon is big. I sighed and looked back in front of me as I approached the front door of the building.

     As I made my way up the stairs to Gally's room, I was stopped dead in the middle by the sound of my name. I froze, wondering who it could possibly be. He said my name again and so I turned slowly to face him. I let out a breath of relief when I saw Clint staring at me, a glass of water in his hand.

     "Sorry," I whisper-yelled to him. "I thought I would go see Gally before everyone woke up. I didn't realize anyone was awake."

     "Med-jacks rarely sleep when they have a patient to look after," he replied.

     "Right," was all I said in response. He glanced down and then looked back up to my eyes, sighing.

     "Well, do me a favor and bring this up there to him while you're at it." He came up the stairs and handed the cup to me.

     "Okay, thank you." I turned and was about to leave when he grabbed my arm, dropping it almost as soon as he did so, as if he was afraid to touch me. I shook the thought out of my head and faced him again, confused as to what he was going to say.

     "Jeff will be up there," he started. "You may have to wake him up—he falls asleep sometimes, but he really is good at his job. Um, tell him to come down here and give you guys some space. Tell him that I told you to say that. And tell him not to worry about Nick; he finally fell asleep and I'll handle it if he wakes up and gets mad."

     The last sentence worried me slightly but I was so eager to see Gally that all I could do was nod and make my way to his room. I hesitated slightly outside the door and took in a deep breath. Part of me hoped he would wake up, so that I could see him and get confirmation from him that he was going to be okay, rather than everyone else. Another part of me wanted him to stay asleep so that I knew there was no way I could falter in my vow to keep him at a distance.

     After a few seconds, I allowed myself to slowly open the door. Jeff was sitting in a wooden chair against the far wall and looked up, looking slightly startled when I opened the door. "Marie," he said. "What are you doing here?"

     "Clint said I could come up here," I started, then held out the water. "And he told me to bring this up for Gally."

     "Oh, okay" He responded, more of a question than a statement.

     "And he told me to tell you to go downstairs."

     "Wh—what about Nick?"

     "Clint knew you would say that. He said that Nick had finally fallen asleep and that he would deal with it if he got mad." The look on Jeff's face told me I was right in worrying. "He didn't want you to worry. He's got it, Jeff, it's fine." I added the last part but I knew it was true.

     Jeff nodded slowly and went to leave the room, lingering in the doorway a moment before leaving, his eyes flitting back and forth between me and the bed where Gally lay. "He's stirred a few times and said..." He paused, as if thinking about what to say next, "some things. But he hasn't woke up yet." Then he left, shutting the door behind him with a soft thud. After he left, I walked over to the small table next to Gally's bed and sat the glass of water on it.

     I looked at Gally on the bed. He was laying on his side, the blanket that Newt had given him pulled up to his chin. He looked so peaceful lying there like a child tucked in for the night. Forcing myself to stop staring, I made my way to the chair that Jeff had been sitting in and tried my best to make myself comfortable.