Strange Magics 1.5: When the Stars Align- a M/F Demisexual/ Transgender romance

2- Something Broken

HESTIEL—

Sexual attraction had never been something I felt, towards men or women. Knowing from the time he was a young boy my brother Amer was different in that way, attracted only to men— I think I realized before he did, to be perfectly frank— I began to wonder if that was what was wrong with me as well. Maybe it was men. Maybe I was a woman born to be attracted to other women.

My experiments in that regard failed spectacularly, as had the ones with men.

Not only did I have to dress in clothes far beneath my station, so I would fit in with the commoners who frequented the taverns I knew catered to women and men who preffered the company of their same sex, but I had to wear a wig and makeup to cover my skin. My hair color— deepest, pure black— and my skin— more golden yellow than any of my more pale siblings— were unique in El'kahr, and I knew they would both draw attention if I didn't hide them.

Not only was I leaving Veil Castle looking like a completely different woman, which wasn't conducive to making me feel confident and comfortable, but I was wholly unable to look at any of the women— or the men, when I tried!— as anything other than just... people. Not sexual entities. Not someone to bring me pleasure or with a desire to reciprocate the pleasure. They were just... my subjects. Humans. People. Just... they just were.

I even tried, a few times, with the women who showed their interest in the taverns, despite feeling nothing when they pressed their bodies up against my own. They took me to dark corners, or rented rooms, and I tried. I wanted to want them, and I appreciated the beauty of their bodies. I ran my fingers along smooth, soft skin, took deep breaths of perfumes and the musk of female arousal. I let them undress me, making my breath heavy when their hot mouths hovered just above my nipples and they pebbled.

My body reacted, in a way, and I was able to finish with them. Or, more accurately, I was able to fake my orgasm, bring them to orgasm, and leave as quickly as I could. My forrays with men were just as unsuccessful. Men were a little harder, less pliant beneath me, but I liked the heat of their bodies and the way they grunted in my ear when they entered me. I liked the deep rumble in their chests when they finished against my belly, but with them I never felt any more than with the women.

Always, something was... missing. Something was wrong. And if it wasn't wrong with men, and it wasn't with women, then maybe...

Maybe something was wrong with me.

Before long, I came to accept that I was just broken, my mind and body unable to perform simple human functions like sex and love. Not that it would matter, one way or another. My father would ensure I hated any husband he chose for me, of that I knew with surety. And maybe that had something to do with it. Mayhap I was so distracted by keeping Mem and Amer safe from my father and his councilors— Butcger in particular, who spent an entire summer camped out in Veil castle when Amer was nearly four staring the boy down and whispering heatedly with Father— to develop any kind of sexual attraction.

When your whole world was taken up ensuring your smaller siblings stayed out of harm's reach, out of the hands of perverts and away from marriages to men and women twice their age, love seemed like a fancy for idiots and children, and sex was something to be feared.

That summer of Amer's fourth year was one of the longest of my life. I was only two years older than Amer— barely six at the time— but I knew that the way Butcger watched my brother was evil. I knew, so I stayed close. Maman was sick often by then, pregnant again and again, always losing the baby and left in a haze of despair, so she wasn't paying much attention to either of us. Thus I took it upon myself and slept in Amer's bed, kept him by my side while my tutors taught me my lessons, and never let him out of my sight.