Hello April

Chapter 9: Ride Or Die

I've never experienced heartbreak. I wish I knew what it felt like to have your whole heart shattered because you love someone too much. Not because I want to feel the pain, but I want to feel the love that led to the pain.

The feeling I hold right now is the closest I've ever got to a heart break. I'm tired of pushing down the feelings I hold, but I know that showing them would hurt too many people.

Like Lucas said, I can't be selfish. I need to consider how my feelings and actions will affect other people around me.

No one ever warned me that you can have feelings for more than one person at a time. If I knew that, I wouldn't have hated every main character in a movie or a book that couldn't make up their mind. I used to look at them and think "it's so obvious!". Unfortunately now I understand that the obvious choice doesn't seem so obvious to someone who cares too much about everyone involved.

I wish I could forget about everyone else's feelings for a second, so maybe I could understand my own feelings better.

I've always been too influenced by the people around me, as much as I hate to admit it. If I know my actions will hurt someone else, I won't do it, no matter how much it would benefit me. Maybe you can call that people pleasing or maybe there's some deep issues that only a therapist can unfold, nevertheless, I want to make sure everyone around me is happy. Even if that doesn't make me happy.

I'm not afraid to disagree with someone or be strong about my beliefs but when it comes to bigger things in life, I rather choose someone else's happiness over my own.

Maybe that's why I need someone who knows exactly what I like and what I don't, how to read me and push me outside of my comfort zone. Because I know, deep down, I can't stand strong on my own.

I need my ride or die.

I look up to the other side of the table, trying to find Elias, only to notice him already looking at me. My cheeks turn red as Elias gives me a little smile.

Flashbacks of  my conversation with Lucas make their way to my mind. "You can't be selfish." I hear Lucas' voice in the back of my mind.

My eyes quickly drop to my food and I can't help but lose my appetite.

"You okay doll?" Evan says from next to me and nudges me on the shoulder.

I look over at Evan and give him a smile and roll my eyes. "Just not that hungry," I shrug and hear Finn gasp.

All eyes turn to Finn as he holds his hand to his chest, right where his heart would be.

"Since when are we waisting food?" Finn says sounding extremely offended.

"How do you only pay attention when someone's talking about food?" Evan says and kicks Finn from under the table.

"Ow! Stop being so aggressive!" Finn complains and kicks Evan back.

"Right that's it!" Evan warns and gets up from his seat, about to jump on Finn. Simultaneously Finn gets up from his seat, ready to fight back.

On the other side of me, I notice Elias act exactly as I do. He grabs hold of Finn the moment I grab hold of Evan.

"Woah, woah, woah! Sit down!" I say as I pull Evan back down to his seat.

"Finn just eat your food," Elias scolds as he forces Finn to sit.

"But he started it!" Finn complains and points his hand at Evan. To be even more annoying, Evan decides to slap Finns pointing hand away from him.

"Evan! Stop!" I grab hold of Evans arms and hold him still as both Evan and Finn shoot daggers at each other.