drown with me 。(an abbachio x reader ♡〜)

grieving.

y/n's pov;

i didn't come in the next day at work. or the next. chills ran down my arm as i touched my car. i stayed inside, replaying videos of him just to see if my heart could break a little further. i replayed every video and every photo,

over,

and over,

and over.

my bed was rummaged with crumbs and tears. how the fuck am i supposed to tell anyone about this? how the fuck am i going to tell myself that this was real. the next week was better. i got out of bed. washed my face. who can i turn to now? 

he was the one person i told everything to. my bad days, my horrible days, the days i would always remember. who do i turn to now?  i blinked, racking my brain of every pedestrian i'd seen on the street, searching for someone; anyone that would really, really listen. my head ached and my guts churned. whispering against the aching, a thought popped into my head. 

abbachio. 

after a half hour of fighting, i hurled myself out of bed, and checked the time. 1:16 AM. i hope he was working a night shift today. i tried to comb through the knots in my hair as best as my determination could go, and washed my face. guilt stung my eyes as i put on that same uniform. i still felt the blood seep through my clothes, no matter how many times i'd washed it. my skin crawled. locking the apartment door, i headed towards my car. my fingertips grazed the car handle. my eyes watered, a chill down my spine. i don't want to go back. i don't want to go back! my head screamed and ached at me. i wanted to o back inside. 

"uhm. i don't know you that well but. i'm always here in the station. you can always talk to me if you'd like."

and somehow, i put my hands on the wheels and went 90 on the highway. just to feel exhilarating again. i swerved into the parking lot. my head ached. fuck, i didn't take tylenol. my head rested solemnly on the wheel. 

yet slowly, i picked my head up and got out of the car.

my hand peeked through the door, slowly pulling it and walking through. each step i took raised the hairs on my neck; my breath abandoned me as i furthered down the hall. and then i saw it: "LEONE ABBACHIO." this was his room. my hand ghosted the handle, as my bones fought me, begging me to turn around. my bones were cold and tired. but so was he. please, please understand me. 

i moved away from the handle to rub my palms on my face. 

"you can always talk to me if you'd like."

and yet, i knocked on his door ever so slightly. the snakes in my head bit my brain; i ached and ached so bad.i heard the muffled sound of footsteps close around me. his movements were frail. he struggled to open the door. click. he pushed the door open, only wide enough for his face to fit through, a gentle smile resting upon his face. yet his eyes didn't match. he looked so tired. i tried my hardest to steady my erratic breathing. looking up at me, i saw his eyes widen for a fraction of a second. his lips quivered so slightly, all the while i scanned his every move, hoping his face wouldn't twist into pity.

"y/n," he talked only louder than a whisper. "are you alright?" i looked at him, my eyes quivering, hoping he understood. i tried to get a word out. i couldn't speak. "no." i mouthed. he pushed the door open, wide enough for me to squeeze by. he looked a bit thinner. my eyes were glued to the periwinkle tiles on the floor, my breath hitching with every other step i took. i took a seat as he handed me a mug. it had black tea in it. somehow, my head ached less as i breathed in the bitter scent. "do you want to talk right now?" he had a coarse, low voice. it made me jump in my seat. "i'm sorry," i whispered. louder, i urged. just a little louder, please. "i'm sorry for coming in so abruptly." i started. "i figured, no one would understand my situation more than you." he looked into my soul, urging me to continue. but i couldn't think of anything else to say or do but let the tears well up. "i'm sorry." he looked up at me, his eyes worried. "for crying like this. i just didn't know who to turn to." i desperately tried to wipe my tears away; but they wouldn't stop coming. 

after a few moments, he held his hand out to me, asking if he could take my hand. slowly, i placed my palm onto his fingers, as he slowly wrapped his hand around mine. "it's okay." his voice shook. "i feel the same way. do you want to talk about it? or about him?" his eyes couldn't meet mine, and i couldn't meet his. we stared at each other's feet as i took a breath, preparing a jumble of words in my mind. "we were engaged." i trembled in my seat, my hand wobbling in his. "and he was the greatest cop in the whole world." he looked at me for a second, eyes agreeing with every inch of his soul. "i know," he said. "i know so, so well. he was so great. always striving for justice." his voice cracked, crushing my heart into even smaller pieces than they were before.

"and he was the one i trusted. and we were supposed to marry. i wanted," i let out a quiet sob, my breath stuck in my throat. "i wanted to be with him until i died. it was a robbery, how in the fuck did this happen?" my voice quivered, forehead resting on his hand. i felt him quiver too, as he breathed in. "i'm sorry." he whispered. "i let him get away with it." i looked up at him, confusion and terror swimming through my eyes. "i'd seen him before." his eyes watered, threatening to spill out. "and i let him get away with it. because i had given up on being a cop. i had lost my sense of," he paused, yearning for a word that could phrase his pain. "i had lost the urge to serve justice." my eyes squinted, as i looked into the heart of a lost soul. he was grieving, and i knew he regret everything with every bone in his body.

"it's okay." i voiced, although we both knew it'd never be. "we can't fix it anymore. all we can do is grieve, and pray to god that this will only be a chapter in our life story." and there we sat, crying, as my hand ghosted over the cup of tea. we drank in silence, my salty tears making subtle  dropping noises as they fell into the cup. we couldn't bare to look at each other. we glanced at each other every once in awhile, and i could see that distant look in his eyes. he didn't spill many tears, but i could tell he was aching just as much as i was.

after a half hour, slowly, he rubbed his solemn eyes, and stood up. "my shift ends now, y/n," he mouthed, barely able to let a word out. it took me a few seconds, but i stood up walking to the door and out into the hall with him. as we reached our cars, i stopped, desperate to hear one more word. something i could salvage for comfort. he looked unsettled for a fraction of a second, before writing something on a post it note. "this is my house number. if you ever need to do this again.. i'm here. feel free to. i feel.." he paused, trying to keep his composure, "i feel the same way as you. have a good day, y/n." i didn't feel my lips curling into a smile, but my heart stopped aching for a second. "thank you, have a good evening as well." i said, taking the post it and giving him a glance as a "thank you". 

driving home, it felt like a daze, the flashing cars and honking getting to my head. my heart weighed me down, and my head was about to explode. surprisingly,i made it home. putting the note on my bedside, i shoved my face into the pillow. 

and somehow, i drifted off to sleep.