Utterly Ridiculously In Love

1.4

     I know exactly what she's about to ask.

"Sooo.... I know you didn't want me to say anything to anyone... AND I DIDNT! But i just want to ask-" Zoe starts to ask.

"No. I haven't talked to her yet. I already know that's what you were going to ask. The answer is no." I say interrupting her.

What she was going to ask was did I talk to Sabrina. I told Zoe and my therapist that I want to clear the air with Sabrina.... even if she decides she doesn't want to be friends again... I'd be fine with that. I just think she deserves an apology.

     The reason I told Zoe not to say anything is cause I want to be the one to apologize. She also wasn't allowed to mention my current mental state to anyone. I cant have people feeling sorry for me even though I'm the one who did it. That wouldn't be right. I'm sure that they'd think I deserved it anyway. Which I do. So there's no point in telling them anything.

     "Oh. Well it's ok Chloe! You guys probably just didn't have time to talk! Also you don't have to do it today either! Take your time!" Zoe says to me cause she can see the look of disappointment in my face.

"Yea I know... What if she doesn't want to talk to me...?" I ask my sister.

"Well it would be understandable... people need space after others hurt them sometimes... so I think even if she said she wasn't ready to talk now, that it doesn't mean she won't be ready to talk ever you know!" She says as she grabs me into a hug, "Chloe I've learned a lot about you to know that you aren't a bad person! You've also grown a lot these past few months! I know you're good and good people get good things! You've just got to believe everything will be ok!" She says as she hugs me tighter.

     I hug my sister back as I say, "You're right. You're always right! You always know what to say Zoe!"

~6 1/2 months ago~
    It's been 5 weeks since I've started homeschooling. It's harder than what I expected but not too hard. I haven't come out my room in like 3 weeks, luckily I have my own bathroom and food gets delivered to me.... not that I've eaten a lot of it...

     I shouldn't even be upset. I've tried texting Sabrina but I'm pretty sure she's blocked me. Which I deserve. Sabrina has put up with my bullshit for so long and I really crossed a line this time. I hate this feeling. I just want to apologize and have this all over with.

I just want it to go back to how it used to be. Our sleepovers. Us being ladybug and cat noir. Our monthly trip to New York for the weekend. Honestly anything we used to do. I wouldn't even make her do my homework anymore! All I actually miss is the friendship things!

I'm such a terrible person. I've been terrible to everyone! My mom said it would make me powerful but all I feel is like a pain. Losing anyone else would've been fine but me and Sabrina have been best friends for years. And to know it'll never go back to that actually hurts. I'm pathetic. Why am I the one sitting in my room crying after everything I've done to everyone else.

-Knock Knock-

"Jean Pascal, I'm not really hungry right now," I say through my low sobs.

-Knock Knock-

Ughhhh why does he keep knocking? I might as well go see what he wants...

"Jean Pascal, I said that I'm not hun-" I start saying through the slight opening I made instead of opening the full door.

"Um Chloe- It's me" Zoe interrupted. "Hey I know we may not get along that well but I'm kind of worried... I haven't seen you in weeks... no one has... I was just wondering if you're ok...?"