Bambi Eyed || Katya x Reader fic

Chapter 9: While You Sleep

After listening to your soft breathing for a while, he tested moving off the bed. Heavily asleep, you did not stir. He slipped through the ensuite door to the bathroom and then through your own to find himself standing in your bedroom. Closing the door carefully, he flicked on the light, peering around. He had to find your tools and get rid of them, if only for his own peace of mind.

Shuffling through your bedside table, he smirked at some polaroids the pair of you had taken over the span of living together. Brushing them aside gently, he checked the jewellery box, sifting through loose necklaces and earrings. Nothing there. Standing and chewing his thumbnail, he swapped to the other side of the bed and opened that drawer. Inside sat a small notebook, travel tissues, your phone charger and headphones. Carefully picking up the notebook, he opened it. He wasn't trying to pry, not really, and he felt immense guilt for doing this, but it was important. You might have hidden something in there. 

Sitting on the edge of the mattress, he idly flicked through, looking for any taped in razors or something you could use to hurt yourself. Towards the back, he found a strange itinerary. Down one column were dates - the most recent of which was dated the day after her last show, when you met Violet. The next column was a set of tallies. He felt sick to think what they represented. The last column were brief notes, your handwriting spilling your emotional state. He scanned the most recent entry.

Crew meeting for Vi's shoot. So excited but petrified. Not good enough. Pre-emptively punishing myself. 

He squinted his eyes shut tight for a moment, sadness washing over him. He had no idea you felt so poorly about yourself. At least not to this degree. Daring another look, he skimmed through other entries. One struck his heart.

I think Brian is struggling again. Trixie brought it up to me yesterday. Am I making things worse for him?

His hand flew to his mouth, snapping the book shut and shoving it back into the drawer like it burned his skin to the touch. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing at his eyes. A tight knot of guilt weighed down the pit of his stomach, the physical tension is his body rising. Standing quickly, he had to find your tools. Rifling through your chest of drawers, he found nothing. Your closet also held nothing.

He had to pause to think. When he had to hide his stash, what were some of his tricks? Glancing across to where the notebook was, he snapped his fingers, crossing back to the side table. He skimmed his hand underneath the table, fingers meeting scotch tape.

"Ah ha!" he hissed, peeling down the edge. Taped to the wood was the straight razor. He glared down at it, turning it over in his hands. How could you do that to yourself? He stopped short, though. It really was no different to his own addiction. A painful release, a distraction from a greater pain. Sighing, he exited through your bedroom door, making a b-line for the balcony. He needed a smoke, badly. Lighting up and staring into the city, he flicked his thumbnail against the metal. He never knew he could be so angry at such a tiny, inanimate object. He realised he was mad at himself too, for not picking up anything sooner.

Drawing another burning puff into his lungs, he thought over the evening's events. His fingers tightened over the taped blade for a moment at considering talking with Trixie. Did he want to leave it all for an in-person conversation? Did he want to break it down for Trixie ahead of time? If anything, right now, he could just use a friend.

With one hefty swing, he slung the blade out into the middle of the road, just wanting it away from himself for now. Away from you.

Collecting his phone from the kitchen counter, he slipped back into the balcony, silently closing the door behind him. He wanted to muffle as much of the conversation as possible. Seating himself, he pulled up Trixie's number and hit video call. This went against every instinct in his body, but he knew it was a necessary evil. The line rang for a few moments before a click.