Stop All the Clocks (This Is the Last Time I'm Leaving Without You)

chapter 34

The house is dark and quiet when he gets back, and for a moment Harry thinks there’s no one here at all. But then he hears the soft crackle of a fire going in the sitting room, and he makes his way there. He finds Ron and Hermione sitting on the sofa, and they look up as he enters.

“I’m selling the warehouse,” Harry says without preamble.

Hermione struggles to sit up, and Ron guides her, his large hands careful on her back. “Harry,” she begins. “You know that will…?”

“I know,” Harry says. The building is half-destroyed. Whoever buys it won’t be interested in rebuilding. They’ll tear it down, and without the structure of stone and mortar, metal and cement, Draco won’t be able to stay. He’ll fade like fog in the morning sun. “I know,” he says again. “He’ll be forced to let go. But I think we both need that.”

Ron comes to his feet, leaving Hermione on the sofa, and goes up to Harry. He folds him up in a warm embrace, his arms solid and strong, and Harry leans into it, closing his eyes and breathing in. Ron always smells sharply of aftershave with the milder scent of soap beneath, and lingering under that is the faintly spicy scent of cedar that always clings to his clothing. He sighs. It feels good to just be held.

There’s a rustle of movement as Hermione levers herself to her feet, and then she’s hugging him too, the rounded swell of her belly pressing against his side, her arm warm against his back. Harry sighs again.

“Are you all right?” she asks after a moment.

Harry takes a step back. “No,” he says. “No, I’m not. But… I think that I might be. Not now, but someday.” He rubs at his eyes. “I think I’m going to go to bed now, if you don’t mind. It’s been…” He breaks off and swallows. “It’s been a day.”

But he can’t sleep. He lies awake in bed, wondering if he’s made a mistake. Wondering if he’s really strong enough to let the warehouse go. If he’s strong enough to let Draco go. Slow footsteps come up the hall and there’s a light tap on his door. A moment later, Hermione peeks her head in.

“It’s okay,” he says, propping himself up on his elbow. “I’m still awake.”

“Oh,” she says, opening the door a little wider and letting light from the hall spill inside. “I was just…”

“I know,” he says gently, and he loves her for checking on him. She’s going to be a wonderful mum. “And thank you.”

She smiles. “We’re off to bed, now. Just let us know if you need anything.”

“I will,” he says, and she turns away. “Hermione?” Harry calls as she’s easing the door shut. It’s something he’s been thinking about here in the dark, and he’d meant to ask her in the morning. But he thinks they’ll both sleep easier if he just says it now. “Do you, um. You wouldn’t still happen to have the information for that Healer, would you? You know, the one you wanted me to talk to before?”

Hermione’s smile is bright in the dim light. “Of course. I’ll find it for you tomorrow.”

“Good. Thanks,” he says, settling back against his pillow. “Goodnight, Hermione.”

“Goodnight, Harry,” she says, and shuts the door.

Harry snuggles a little deeper under the blankets with a slow sigh. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be completely all right again, but for a long time he’s been afraid of healing, afraid that if he lets go of Draco it will be like losing him all over again. As long as Harry hurt, in a way it was like Draco was still with him. But that’s not how it works. No one who touched him as deeply as Draco had could ever truly be gone, and the impression he left on Harry is so deep that nothing will ever be able to fill it, not even time. He’ll never truly get over this. Draco is always going to own a part of Harry, and Harry will never stop loving him. But this constant, all-consuming pain needs to end. He’s felt like this for too long, and he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.