SHADOWS OF THE PAST (complete)

Chapter 18

Bella 

You know how easy it is for us woman to subject ourselves to man all In the name of love. How even after all the heartaches we still go back because we in love. I would understand if you have nothing and he provides for you, him being your source of living in a way. Even of which I do not understand completely.

I have been through so much with this man right next to me. As I slowly brush his hair, with my heart beating like it will bust right through my chest. I remember everything. How happy at times, we would be but the minute the gear changed, everything turned to the worse. How one minute I wish to throw the TV at him and the next we are happy, everything I have ever been through with this man right next to me. 

I will not lie and say I do not love him, I do. Completely and utterly I gave myself to him, even when I knew I should not. I did. He cheated, he lied, but I still gave myself to him, to do with my heart as he pleases. As much as I do not want to admit it. I am turning into one of those women, the one who give themselves over to their man to do as they please. 

I do not want to be like that. I do not want to wake up the next day and say he beats me. I do not want to wake up one day and leave my child with a monster. I am not saying Travis is all of that, but once my dad was a loving, loyal and supportive husband who worshiped the grounds my mother walked on, and then one day out of the purple things went south, all because she could never give him a son. Then one day, she left me, left me with the same who did not want me. 

I do not want to be that kind of woman, I want to be a mother that puts her kids first, that is why as tempting as his offer is, I cannot accept it. It is no longer, about what I want, but about what my child should have. 

As much as I would wish Travis could accept this child, he doesn't want them, and as young as I am, I know abortion is out of the picture, in a way I would be doing what my mother did, put herself before me, her child. So… I am taking a stand and putting both my child and me first. If he want in later on in life. Then I will not stop him from seeing his child. However, for now I need my sanity and take claim of my life. 

"I love you so much Travis," I say, my voice breaking at the end. 

He opens his eyes and looks at me, with glassy eyes. "I love you too baby, so much" 

Even though the tears, I still manage to smile. "Even through everything you put to. I still love you very much. That can never change okay" 

He looks at me with hopeful eyes. The vulnerability is still very much clear, as painful as it is, I need to do this, and I need to put myself first. I brush his cheek and smile. "One way or another we always managed to get back together and each time it hurts more than the last. “I choke on my words." but not this time, this time I cannot do it, no I cannot “as if on cue, his head bows down and breathing becomes shallow.

"I’m really sorry okay, I need time on my own, time to recuperate and recover… With everything that has happen, I feel like I'm suffocating, like I'm losing myself in you" 

He looks up and cups my face. "But isn't that a good thing? Is that not what love is? The constant fighting and make-ups? Is not it. MiBella love, please don't do this to me okay, don't do this to us baby please" 

I stand up from the chair, with a bit of difficulties because my head is still a bit drowsy, he helps me and sits me on the couch. 

"look... I’m doing all this for both of us, most importantly for me okay, please allow me this Travis, I beg of you" 

After minutes of Banting up and down, he finally allows me to have my way. 

"My family wanted to come and see how you are doing, can you please leave after them, just stay of little while long" he has his hands balanced on his knees and face buried in his arms. He looks very vulnerable, a part of me whishes I had not done this, but only God knows the roller coaster of a relationship we in.