Simply trying to breathe

Taking a deep breath in-

Before all of this, it felt like I was holding my breath. Things have happened here and there that have constantly picked at my mental health making it get worse. I can't really blame others for the way I feel though. I've had depression from a really young age but it's weird because I always come back to the same question, why? I've lived through loss of a family member and I was 4, did I just some how understood what losing someone was at that age? Did I grasp the idea of death at that age? But I still wonder WHY?! I never asked to grow up fast! I never asked to de built like this! Why...why am I like this, this hurts me so much I can't take it anymore! It's like needles constantly poking through my skin and that pinching feeling constantly lingering through my whole body. Is this what depression feels like? I never asked for this! I've got all this pain and if I where in the water it would sink me down. I'm holding my breath. I thought it wasn't on purpose but turns out something happened back then that made me hold things in, hint why I'm constantly losing consciousness. Not because I don't know how to handle all of these dark thoughts but because I'm handling them in a toxic way. I try to take a deep breath in. It works I feel fine but then it's like a slap on my face. It's the toxic people In my life belittling me and my feelings. I tell myself to learn from my mistakes and not let it happen again. I continue to hold my breath. This is the constant cycle I go through to not make people uncomfortable. I'm sorry, im sorry I feel like this, im sorry I feel...