Simply trying to breathe

Holding my breath and thinking about breathing out-

Someday somewhere
(A conversation I wish to have with someone I trust)

Me:Hey can we talk??

___-sure what's up?

Me: I've been meaning to tell you that I'm not doing fine...

___- well tell me about it

Me: it may be too harsh or idk how to explain it but you don't have to say anything I just need for you to listen...
Me:i feel like my depression has gotten worse... I don't know how to describe it to you  but I just wanted you to know. I've been crying myself to sleep at this point I don't know how to control it anymore. It feels like little by little im losing consciousness. I feel numb. I can't remember the last time I screamed, it May not seem like anything to you but I feel like it would play a big role for me to be able to feel something again. I still can't get over the death of Mary. Losing her was something I wasn't ready for, no one was. It's still hard for me to think about our last conversation. She said she wanted to k*** herself and I laughed because I thought she was joking. I constantly think about how much that could have hurt her. The thought of me being the reason she did that still drowns me till I can't breath. Why couldn't I realize she felt that way why couldn't I just noticed and told her how much she meant to me?!?!! If only I have noticed on time and hopefully have saved her!!!!! I cry myself to sleep thinking about the pain she had to go through! Last night I thought about it... doing it to myself. I panicked and picked up a razor. I started crying my eyes out, I started watching my wrist shake from how scared I was. I thought about her and how the debt would have been payed if I have taken my life. I cried and cried until I no longer could feel anything,I no longer felt anything...
I didn't do it. I started thinking to much about how my family would feel how my few friends would feel I couldn't do that to them I just couldn't. Why did she tho?! She had me and many other people she talked to why couldn't she just have told me "hey my life is shit and I want someone to talk to about it". I could have listened I wouldn't have said anything unless she wanted me to! I still think to this day how shity her life had been for her to do that. How could I have not often asked her if she was doing ok! You know it hurts it hurts to know that when I was 12 I used to have thought about me leaving this world. 12!!! How could I?! It's hard to think about the fact that I thought of a world without me in it. I've thought about how my family and friends life would be without me. This hurts to much to not have said since I was young! This HURTS! How did I hold this in for so long idk I just did. I learned how to cry in silence, how to silently scream while I wish to just let everyone know. I just learned. I still do it to this day because I can't bear the fact of my parents finding out that I feel this way. Why don't I tell them you may ask... well I could try but I'm sure they would just say that what I feel "isn't real" that my "mind is making it up" that "it's all in my imagination". But yet again I've never tried so who knows I just don't think I could do it right now eventually the time will come. You have to promise not to tell anyone because I don't want people to talk to me just because they feel pity towards me. That's it I guess, that's some of the things I wanted to get off my chest.

___-...

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That's it. I've never told anyone nor will I soon ever try to. This hurt so much typing it out just imagine how much it would hurt to say it out loud! Still other than that I don't think I would be able to say anything simply because I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. I can't bring myself to do so especially when I'm the friend people come to when they need to talk. There's never time for me to say anything plus I wouldn't want to since they are going through something too. I tend to prioritize other people's feelings than mine. It's not healthy but that way I can keep my friends without the fear of them leaving me because of how unstable my feelings are. This was me thinking about breathing out after the long time I held my breath in but like the title says it's just a thought, I haven't done it yet...