"Why oh why do you love me so much?
Have you seen nothing watching me permanently mislay?
I have lost myself!
And yet you stand there smiling at me, as bright as the dawn of a new day.
I can't fathom this. Is there something I have misjudged?
All I...
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I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I am drifting away. Away into a deep dark abyss filled with gloom. There is no coming back.
The weight of work rests on my shoulders, bogging me down. I am running, running away, but this work, it chases me. It runs after me, begging me to acknowledge it. Take cognizance of its presence. But I don't.
I run away.
Faster.
Further away.
Deep, below.
Heaving, panting, I stop wherever I am.
I turn back and see the work smirking at me. Mocking me, knowing very well I am finally going to pick it up and do it. Because if I don't, there's hell to pay. So, I swallow my pride and pick it up. I do it one by one, slowly and steadily. Then I tire out.
I can't do anymore.
I am exhausted.
The life has been sucked out of me. So,
I drop it.
I don't do it anymore. I leave it and ignore it again. But work, oh work my clever friend. It piles up and with each added pile added, it increases its speed.
It becomes stronger.
Bolder.
More powerful.
It shouts my name and pleads me to finish it. Its desperate eyes look at me and wail, "Please. I can't take it anymore. Finish it." But me, being the heartless soul I am, ignore it.
Don't even bare it a second glance.
Blatantly leave it, gasping for air, desperate for attention.
I run off yet again and reach a cavern. I bury myself in there. Escape from my grim reality and try to save myself. It works. Oh my god it works! But nothing lasts forever.
It works for a few minutes, hours, days, weeks.
Months of escapism.
But I can never stay away for long. The work, finds me. I am petrified. Scared to see its extent. To my shock, it stands in front of me and falls
Crumbles
Slowly looks up at me whispers in a low voice, "I am not going to chase after you anymore. I am not. You ignore me, leave me, abandon me. So, I am not going to run after you. Do what you want. I don't care. Don't look at me. Don't pick me up. But remember, I will catch you. And you will not be able to handle me then. I will be out of your control. And you won't be able to do anything. You will be powerless." I stand there frozen.
After the passing of an interlude, unintelligible silence, and settling down of gravity. The words register.
I start laughing in its face. Guffawing. All the while satirizing its presumptions. And I say, "You, think I will not be able to handle you. I already can't handle you. You say I WILL be powerless. I already am. I have no control. No charge over anything. I go with the reluctant flow. Begrudgingly do everything. Hesitatingly complete you. There is no pleasure in anything and you think you can ruin me. Ha! I already am ruined."
Mist covers my eyes and my vision obscures.
I break down.
Maybe someday I will lookback and laugh at my naivety, my fickle and weak mental strength. But as of now, I cant do anything. I just do everything for the sake of it. Because nothing makes sense, nothing makes me happy. Nothing can ever make me happy. Not for now. Maybe, someday, sometime later. But NOT now.
