Autumn

22) Scared

Overthinking- SHEA

"we shouldn't be this kind of tired at our age"

-j.b. [dying]

*****
"Hey Mom can I go out of town this weekend?" I ask her out of courtesy, even though I'll go regardless of what she says.

I'm trying okay.

Trying.

"Of course sweetie," She smiles at me, then goes back to leaning against the counter, swiping through her phone.

I stand there awkwardly, waiting for anything else, "That's it?"

"What do you mean?" She peeks above her phone.

"Not gonna ask me where I'm going, or when I'm coming back?" Why am I getting so worked up?

"Why would I do that? You're almost an adult Autumn," She faintly laughs.

"Just because I'm almost an adult doesn't mean you have to throw all concern about me out the window," I say.

"Autumn I am always concerned about you, I always worry," She sets her phone down on the island.

"If you were really concerned about me, you would've returned my calls. Matter a fact, you would've picked up my calls."

"You'd check in on me, since you guys practically dragged me here. You have not once asked how I liked it here or how I was adjusting. You haven't asked if I've made friends, about any places I've checked out, if I joined any clubs, nothing."

She sighs and laces her hands together resting her chin on top of them, "What do you want from me Autumn?"

"You want to know what I want Mom? I want you to fucking care, and not pretend care, actually care, but it's pretty clear you can't even do that." I watch as her eyebrows pinch together.

"You're always making me out to be the bad guy. Your not the only one who has things going on in your life sweetie. I'm sorry you think I'm such a bad mother, but I don't see your father doing any better of a job."

"You know you've been like this since you were younger."

"We both try so hard to give you a good life, to give you everything you want, and here you are still being ungrateful. I just don't understand wher- what we did wrong," She shakes her head

I just don't understand what we did wrong.

I just don't understand what we did wrong.

I just don't understand where we went wrong.

"I didn't want any of that shit," I say my voice growing out of irritation.

"I don't care about any of that! I wanted you guys, I wanted hugs, I wanted fucking forehead kisses, and waves and goodbyes for my first day of school."

"I wanted you guys to come to parent events, I wanted movie nights with you guys, and high fives when I did well on test."

"I wanted mom daughter days where we'd get our nails done together," I weakly laugh at how stupid it all sounds.

"I wanted father daughter days where we'd go out for ice cream. I wanted you guys. I wanted you to love me, and you guys didn't even do well at pretending that you did," My voice cracks at the end.

"Why have you never said anything if you felt like this? How long has this been-"

"Stop," I put my hand up to stop whatever she was going to say next.