Autumn

47) Every Season It Will Be You

Sparks- Coldplay

"The bravest thing you can do is be unafraid to feel"

-Bridget Devoue

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I did it again. I always do this.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I self sabotage every fucking thing that brings me the smallest amount of contentment.

Except with him it was different. He always made me happy, somehow he just knew how to. I'd be lying and belittling the feeling if I said I could quantify it.

What we have scares me because of how immeasurable it really is.

The caring words whispered at night, the small actions that I think about for the rest of the day, the quick change in his expression when he sees me, it's all overwhelming.

I want to constantly be in his presence. I can't help it. All my emotions are heightened by him, and I don't hate it.

I've tried to, but his smile sets my stubbornness back.

He's everything I've ever wanted and been frightened of at the same time. He handles my mood swings and stays up late with me when I can't sleep.

He not only says he cares about me, but shows it too. His dumb jokes that ultimately make me smile and interest whenever I do my hair or get ready.

I put the sleeves of my hoodie to my eyes. It felt wrong to wear his after what I said to him.

The wetness seeps through the fabric, so I reach over to get a tissue. Only the ring he gave me months ago is right near the box.

Why couldn't I tell him?

*****

I groan when I hear pounding on my bedroom door. Before I can protest, Quinn, Marcey, and Olive are stepping into my room.

"Don't wait for me to say come in I guess," I say sarcastically, my voice sounding hoarse.

"You weren't going to say that anyway and you know it," Ol takes a seat on my swivel desk chair.

Marce and Quinn sit at the head of my bed, "Wanna know what I was gonna say?"

"Probably something like 'who the hell is it?' or something else not pg," Quinn smiles at me before jumping on the bed.

"In the nicest way possible, what are you guys doing here?" They should've left me by now, I don't get it.

"We've let you sulk since last Wednesday, it's Tuesday Autumn. We're not letting you waste away all spring break."

"You say that like I should be partying about my breakup. You guys should be off hating me and spewing rumors behind my back." When I cover my face with a pillow, Marcey slides it down.

"You're still our friend Autumn." I shouldn't be.

"I broke his heart," I say weakly, pushing back another round of tears that try to come forth.

"You broke your own too," Olive says getting up to come over to the side of the bed. She takes my pillow and tosses it. "Which was kind of stupid of you might I add."

"Ol-" Marce tries to call out.

"I was going to stay out of it, but I can't with seeing you like this. You're both idiots in the most loving way possible."

"Look, I don't know what shit was going on or through your head that led you to make your decision. But I'm sure he'd be with and help you through any of it." She grabs my hand and hauls me into a sitting position.