What a girl needs

Chapter 15

Omg my book is actually progressing! Thank you so much guys!

BTW, I cried writing this.

Ik Ik, I'm a sappy chap.

***

I woke up with a pounding headache as my alarm. 

I hate Tuesdays.

Checking, the time, I see it's 5:41, so I don't see the point of trying to sleep if I have to wake up again in a few minutes. I let out a loud yawn that could wake the monsters on the bottom of the sea, and very slowly start to get up from my comfortable position on the bed.

I hate mornings. 

While brushing my teeth, I start to think about how my life is gonna change once I'm- 

Married. 

Will I have to live with him?

Of course you will, idiot, you'll be his wife.

Well, at least he's hot. 

You're getting married to a stranger, and all you can think about is that you'll have a pretty face to look at?

Uh... yeah? 

My mind is really messed up.

No one talks to me this morning.

Not my brother, not my sisters, and certainly not my parents.

James hadn't even come out of his room, though I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to deal with me either.

~~~

Walking to school, my mind traveling at 10000mph, I let my gaze wonder over my surroundings.

Will I ever get to see this again? How far will I be from my house?

Gosh, I don't even know where he lives. That seems like the kind of question I should've asked him about.

I wonder how I'll continue my studies. Will I settle in, or will I be the social leper I used to be?

Oh my God.

My friends.

No, no, no, no, no, this can't be happening, I can't lose the only people who have ever made me feel like I'm not completely worthless.

What if...

What if it's going to happen again?

It can't happen again.

I won't let it happen again.

~~~

I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends what happened yesterday. I couldn't even bring myself to do the usual changing of clothes I do nearly everyday; I was to lost in thought to have time to even care about something that seems so... unnecessary and almost, for lack of a better word, childish. I shouldn't care about what people think of me, of my appearance, of my behavior. 

But I do.

My friends could tell something was wrong, and they kept pestering me about it the whole day, but they eventually let me drown in my thoughts when it became apparent that I wasn't going to divulge anything.

At lunch, they have finally had enough, and, giving each other a look that roused my suspicions, were determined to find out what is "fúcking me up" (Rachel's words, not mine). 

They had deliberately let me sit next to the wall, even though we argue about the place daily, in order to corner me, and I chastised myself for not seeing their intended plan from the beginning.

I ignored them as they played good cop/ bad cop on me (you can probably guess who was who), and instead decided to dodge their interrogation in a different way.

"You're sexy when you role-play." I told Hannah, willing a dirty smile to appear on my face.

She chose to ignore me, while Rachel just rolled her eyes (she does that a lot) and started banging her head on the table, groaning.

"Will you just stop dodging the questions and tell us already?!"

"Nope." I wasn't going to pretend there was nothing wrong; they knew me too well and would just give me more shít for it.

"Please, Milly. Please just tell us. We're worried about you." The concern in Rachel's voice made me pause and turn my face to look at them.

I may not be ready to tell them everything yet, to reveal just how messed up my life is, but maybe telling them a part of it will relieve some of the stress.

"I'm-" I took a deep breath. Another. "I'm leaving."

They both blinked simultaneously, in shock. It would have been a comical sight had it not been one of the most heartbreaking sentence I have ever uttered.

"Huh?"

"I'm leaving." I repeated, nearly choking on the words. "We won't see each other anymore. I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back." 

Regardless of my plan of making them shoo me away after I turn 18, if it actually works or not, I won't be coming back anymore.

They both had tears in their eyes, and I was fighting back the ones that were pricking against my own. 

"When?" Rachel's voice broke on that one word, sounding so dejected, it nearly made the tears gathering in my eyes fall.

I swallowed once, twice, trying to get rid of the choking feeling, and then sighed.

"Soon."

"That is not an answer. You can't just drop something like this on us and expect us to not ask for details!" Both me and Rachel turned to Hannah as she surprisingly raised her voice.

She was never one to shout or cry, and had always been the peacemaker in our little group.

"Trust me, I want to know the details too. Don't make this harder than it already is. Please. Please just- just enjoy however much we have left together before it's gone."

"I'm sorry, I'm just-" A lone tear fell down her cheek. " I don't want you to leave."

"Do you think I want to leave you guys either? It's not my decision to make; it's never been. But often people in these situations are too busy thinking of the inevitable, that they don't cherish the few moments they have left together, and instead chose to wallow in their misery. Let's not do that. Let's lift our heads up, push our shoulders back, and smile."

And we did.

I have a feeling the last part was a bit tricky for all of us, and probably a bit half-hearted as well.

But I continued to fight to keep that smile on my face the whole day, to keep them seeing past it, to all the things I have yet to tell them.

Smile.

It's harder than it seems; at least when it's genuine.