Diary from a Mess

My psychoanalysis

Before we start, I just want to say, please don't take this to heart. I tend to do things I shouldn't, but this is me trying to get better and grow. Please be gentle with me, I break easily.

 [self-reminder] 

Introducing me

I think I have always had chaos just stirring up inside of me. Since I was young I was very protected from the outside world, always having someone telling me what to do and controlling my behaviors. I never had a chance to make my own mistakes and experience things by my own hand. I think this is one of the biggest reasons for my self-sabotage. 

I did not grow up with a mother, one of life's weird things. I was cut off contact with her from a young age and did not regain contact until I was in my senior year in high school. Much to my father's dismay, I am really close to my mother, not that he knows I have contact with her either. Sometimes I wonder how easy it could be to blame my mistakes and chaotic behaviour on my parents. But that wouldn't be fair, would it?

When looking at myself, I always try to find reasons for my actions. I don't always want to accept the fact that other people had a legitimate effect on me, but sometimes it is all I can do. 

Starting off, I have always known that I am a decent looking being. Pretty or gorgeous or whatever you want to call it. But I have never come to terms with it, it feels like a farse to describe myself like that. And because I have never fully accepted it, I have always been low on self-esteem. I have come to terms with that one. And because I have never worked on how I view myself, my respect for myself and views of what I deserve is well, a little fucked. I do not look for pity from people regarding me, I feel like I have enough already from my own self. It is like I have two people living inside my brain, one of them is conscious and the other is completely clueless. I do not think this is a strange feeling for most people.

 One of the reasons I might not see myself physically as how other people view me is because I feel like my inner being is more than just that. Although sometimes my clueless being differs from my conscious. I can wholeheartedly say I am an asshole, but I am also one of those people that you are glad to have on your side, that special someone you don't tend to encounter twice in your life. 

I crave validation, love, and attention. I feel like maybe I missed it a little too much as a child and now look for it in the wrong place. I am conscious of my actions most times, although that doesn't mean that I can always think rationally. I mostly go by impulse and emotion, which I have learned gets you in the worst type of situations. And not only with other people, but with yourself. At the end of the day, the only peace, love, and validation that truly matters, is the one you have with yourself. That doesn't mean that I won't go looking for it in the worst of places, but I understand the concept of it. Hopefully one day I'll get to take my own advice and stick to it, but until then, I just hope whatever mess I make of myself I'll be able to stitch back up together in the future. 

In the meanwhile, I hope I can make some amends with myself. Learn to love me and all of my mistakes. Understand that they don't define me, but teach me. Future me, please forgive me for all of my mess. 

- C