Diary from a Mess

Chaotic Endings Right from the Start

High-school Senior Year

Do you know when you make ideas in your head about how you want your year to be? This is how I entirely fucked myself over with that one. 

Senior year was a big deal for me, I wanted to be more independent, make big life decisions, enjoy the "American senior year experience". Essentially, I wanted to date and have a bunch of good memories with my friends. And I got that, and a bunch of everything else I did not ask for.

I had a close friend who I always went to for advice and comfort, and I started thinking that it would be nice to have that experience with him. Form romantic memories with him and whatnot. But I did not have the balls to go to him and start something right away as I did not feel like my intentions were pure. I appreciate my friends and don't want to do them wrong ever. So I started to avoid the subject in my mind and wanted to center my year around friendship. Little did I know that I had already planted a bomb in my head. Ticking second by second, waiting for the right moment to burst. 

The thing about making plans in your head is that sometimes your heart and mind can't control if that leaves, they might hold on to the hope of it. I wished I knew this before, so I could have told my stupid brain to shut it. But as we all know, that did not happen. 

The year started and Banri and I were as close as ever. We even decided to choose our designated seats right next to the other. He sat on the front of me all year round, despite our ups and downs. We thought it logically, he was the closest person to me and I to his in the entire classroom. We also liked to gossip and talk a bunch, so it only made more sense to be close by. 

He would talk to me about girls, his summer break, and his family. Family issues were a big thing for both of us, it somewhat connected us more.  We both had absent mothers and heavy-rooted daddy issues because of it. Sometimes it felt nice having someone to talk to that would relate to me on that level. 

But as weeks passed by, talking about girls didn't feel the same as before. I found myself overthinking every piece of advice I told him regarding dating. I felt too conscious of my actions around him. Eventually, girls became singular, he was infatuated with a girl from another class, and as his friend, I had to hear all about it. I felt selfish for thinking about us in a different manner than just friends, but I couldn't help it. The idea had already been planted in my head about us two, and boy was the flower planning to grow each passing day.

I started harvesting jealousy and became irritable every time I saw him. I knew that he wanted to confide in me and ask for advice as he had done plenty of times before. But It wasn't the same for me any longer. I longed for peace of mind, to break that little egg before it started hatching. So I made up my mind to talk about him, little did I know that my emotions would get the best of me before I had the chance. He noticed my change of behavior a morning before class started and I knew he probably had a million questions on his mind. Our friendship was full of love, but a platonic one after all. 

So when the school day came to an end, I decided to approach him to talk about the situation going on in my head. With sweaty hands I stood in front of him, explaining that I felt uncomfortable talking about girls with him as I was harboring some inexplicable feelings towards him. 

"Leya, you know I love you but not in that way. You're gorgeous and one of my closest friends but you know I'm into someone and don't want to play with your feelings like that" I reminded him that I was not expecting him to harbor any feelings other than platonic ones regarding me and we settled for not mentioning said girl to me again until I got a hold of myself. 

In the span of the next couple of days, things started to change. Before our short-lived discussion, we had always been a little touchy. But it was always in good fun, he would let me rest my legs unto his lap and whatnot. After our discussion, I started to see some change in his behavior towards me. He started pulling more jokes on me, getting more physical than before, you get the idea. His attention towards me shifted, it was as if I had a neon sign on my head that said "Give me attention" and he could do nothing but that.