✓ Flower Crown

always

Flower Crown © simqlea

i'm sure you've caught on by now—
you know how this is going to go.
you've always been so clever, haven't you?
(and at times,
much too clever for your own good.)

we both know what i'm going to write about next.

that day.

this will be about that day,
and i want to start this off by saying that
i'm sorry.

i've said those and written those words so many times
that i know they must have lost their meaning by now
but i'll say and write them again anyways.

i'm sorry, kageyama tobio.

i'm sorry about the day
that i left you.

i'm sorry about leaving you
and i'm just sorry about
everything.

please tell me you're sorry, too.
but you don't have to be.

sorry.
it must have hurt you more than it had hurt me.
(it probably did.
i hadn't meant for it to have hurt you
so badly.)

i left you alone
in the garden with the yellow roses.

(the sunlight never did hit that last flower crown quite right that day, now that i think about it.)

i think you know, now,
what i've been talking about with mothers and naivety and parental issues.

i think you know, now,
why exactly i up and left you
like the selfish coward i was.

in truth,
it got too much.

i did tell you that that day,
didn't i?

i didn't specify though—
didn't tell you exactly what went wrong
and when it happened—
and for that i'm sorry.

you didn't deserve that,
to just be left alone like that
without a proper explanation.

i left you
despite knowing you were struggling.
(did you know
i was struggling too?)

oh how i hate myself.

it feels selfish
to think that way.
i feel as if just the thought of it
is despicable.

yet still
i can't help but wonder
if you'd ever noticed.

i know you've never noticed my beauty
(not like i've noticed yours)

i know you hadn't noticed my bruises
(not like you'd noticed your teammates')

and i know.

i know, kageyama tobio,
that you hadn't noticed just how in love i was with you—

(and still am,
(just a little bit)
because i am as you've always said:
a fool
an idiot—
and stupid in love.)

—because if you'd noticed then surely
you wouldn't have left me waiting
all this time?

("all this time," i say
despite the fact that
by the time i'd left you
we'd only been friends for a little over
two years.)

you're too kind for that, tobio.
too gentle
and kind
and sweet.

and perhaps i'm giving you more credit
(and perhaps i'm putting more faith in you)
than (you think) you truly deserve
but to me
you deserve it all.

i'd give it to you:
my faith;
my admiration;
my love;
my adoration;
my dedication;
and my flower crowns.

i'd give them to you
over and over again because
i love you, kageyama tobio.

and i only left you because

(don't hate me please don't hate me
because the two things i could never stand you doing were
you tearing yourself apart and
you hating me.

allow me this one selfish desire, tobio.

just this once
please don't call me a fool.)

but i am a fool
because it seems i've run out of bravery and ink.
i'll tell you later then, tobio. love y