Feast ~Kaneki x Reader AU~

Chapter 16: Emotional Waves

Oh, this is...a new and strange feeling.

My pulse pounds in my ears, the blood rushing through the various vessels as heat flushes to my face, burning my cheeks. My chest begins to ache from the pounding of my heart slamming itself against my ribs – viciously – as tingles dash along my limbs. My head is spinning, countless thoughts and questions swirling, but of all of them, one is the loudest.

Do I...do I like Kaneki?

Of course, I like him. I mean, why wouldn't I? Kaneki is a good man and a good friend. So, yes, I like him. He is a likable person. However, even through my own denseness, I know that this feeling is not that same platonic likeness that I have associated with him all this time. Right here, right now, I know that, and I realize that this feeling is very different.

It is attraction.

"S-sorry," I stammer, quickly darting my eyes away. "No, there's nothing on your face. I just...got lost in thought."

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Mentally, I want to kick myself. Allowing this to happen...catching these feelings...it's so stupid. I mean, so stupid. Sure, Kaneki is great and all, but in the end, it's not as if I know all that much about him. Furthermore, I came to Tokyo to have the trip of a lifetime. Not to fall for a guy.

But is Kaneki really just some guy? He might not have personally come to my rescue when Mako broke me out of Aogiri Tree's prison, but he still orchestrated it. He still had a hand in that. He was still there, and now he's here. He's been here. He's been here the entire time...putting up with my paranoid ass.

Still, I need to shake myself out of this. I need to.

"Lost in thought, hmm?" he repeats quizzically, those eyes most likely locked on me. "What are you thinking about?"

Oh, wouldn't you like to know? "N-nothing interesting, really. Just work...writing and all." My voice is wavering, wobbling with nerves.

"You're thinking about...writing?"

I turn and look at him, faking my best smile. "Y-yeah. Yeah...my publisher...I told her I'd come back from this trip and start working on a new manuscript. Of course, starting early never hurt anyone!"

My mannerisms...they feel so stiff and unnatural right now, which is so unlike me. Acting this way is unlike me. Being anxious and nervous is one thing, but this? Stammering? Tripping over my own thoughts? No. That's not me. That's not me at all.

"I see," he says with a nod, then smiles. "If you don't mind me asking, what will your next book be about?"

My heart falls. Oh, dear. The dreaded questions so many writers well, dread. The question that I have hated since I began my writing career.

"Umm, well...see, I was thinking about writing a story about..." What do I say? What can I say? That I've been hopelessly brainstorming, and I've concocted nothing? "I've been thinking about...oh, who am I kidding? I haven't thought up anything." I drop my focus, turning away. "I haven't come up with anything yet."

He doesn't say anything, and to be honest, I don't expect him to. What could he say? It's not as if he can wave a magic wand and solve this. Besides, this is my own dilemma to resolve, not his.

However, after a few seconds in silence, he speaks. "Have you hit a creative block?"

I shrug, "I guess you could say that." I lean forward, wrapping my arms around my shins as I curl my toes. "To be honest, I've never really had an issue with being creative before. Coming up with material always just came naturally to me...but now? Now I feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall."

"That sounds frustrating."

"It is. And my publisher...she's gonna want a status update soon, and I'd feel better if I had something to tell her. Ya know?"

"I can imagine. Have you ever pulled inspiration from your life?"

I glance at him, our eyes locking and for a moment almost lose my breath, though I catch myself, replying, "N-no. I've never needed to."

He tilts his head to the side. "Have you ever considered it?"

Pull inspiration from my life? No. Why would I do that? Most of my life was filled with hospital stays and hearing my mother fight with YF/N over the phone when she didn't know I was listening. Aside from that, nothing fascinating ever happened to me.

Sucking my lips in, I shake my head. "No...my life is rather...uneventful for the most part."

A twinge tug at my chest, twisting. A new feeling? What is this one? It hurts. It doesn't feel the most comfortable. But why? Why am I feeling this one?

"Uneventful? How so?" he asks, pulling me back to the moment.

I shrug, "I don't know. Just is."

"But you're an author," he says, the corners of his lips quirking up.

I nod, "Yeah. And?"

"And? That's not just nothing. You've written full novels and have made a living off that."

"I guess that's true."

"And I bet you've met a bunch of people on book tours. Am I right?"

My face flushes. "Yes, I have."

"You've seen many different places and traveled to far-off regions. Right?"

"Yes..."

"And I bet –"

I'm not sure what comes over me. I'm not sure what leads to this. All that I know is that I can feel a wave of anger and frustration bubble within me, overspilling as I quickly stand, snapping.

"Okay, I get it. I'm an author who's had a bit more life lived, but so what? Is that really living? I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mom."

My breathing is heavy, my chest rising and falling quickly as my eyes remain trained on him. My face is hot, my vision is blurred. At first, I'm too enveloped in my feelings to notice why, but very quickly I learn, the tears slowly rolling down. And I blink.

"Oh, God," I say, my voice trembling. I quickly cover my face and turn. "I'm so sorry, Kaneki. I didn't...I didn't mean to snap. I was...I'm just...I need some –"

I'm saying this, in the middle of walking away, ready to go hide my embarrassment and pain when a very gentle set of hands grips onto my shirt, causing me to freeze. My muscles go tense before quickly melting and a soft voice speaks.

"You're fine." His voice is nothing more than a whisper. I can feel his hands climbing higher, levitating over my waist, then gingerly, he guides me back down to my seat until I am sitting once again. "You need a moment. I understand that but don't run away. Stay here. Think. Feel. We can stay quiet for a while if that's what you need. Is that okay?"

I think about it for a moment, not daring to uncover my eyes. Not daring to look at him. And even though I wanted nothing more than to dash away, I take a deep breath.

"Okay."

**Hello, lovelies! So...I was planning for this chapter to be steamy, but then this happened. I did not see this coming, but it is what it is, I guess. Yeah...I have no control lol. Also, I'm not quite sure how many chapters remain for this book, but as we near the end, I will try to keep y'all posted. There might be a third book and there might not be, but as of now, I don't know. If there is, info for it will be at the end of the epilogue. So, keep an eye out for that. Thank you so much for being awesome and joining me for today's chapter! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross

P.S. "Dreaming Again" by Against the Current featuring ONE OK ROCK's Taka