all is well.

building blocks.

All through childhood I always liked food, wasn't a picky eater hardly at all, ate normal amounts. I was always chubby and never really liked my body though. I was always the biggest cousin, biggest friend, biggest sibling, i always felt like i was bigger than everyone. I don't remember ever actually liking my body. Ever. I didn't know anything about eating disorders until I was nine. I started watching eating disorder stories and what I eat in a days, looking at diets and fitness motivation. I have always been active and done sports, I have never been body shamed, closest thing to it was when my cousin said i was bigger than him but he wasn't rude about it, it just hurt. Nothing really triggered my eating disorder, it kind of just happened. When I was ten i started restricting, that only lasted like a month though, I never got onto any ed websites just watched youtube stories and documentaries. It wasn't intense at all when I was ten, I don't remember if I lost weight or not maybe like five pounds, I just remember hating my body. It kind of was on and off for a couple years until I was twelve. When I reached twelve I kind fell became into restricting, worse this time but still not that bad. I started watching those videos again and eating less. But again, I fell back out of those habits for a while and then back in about seven or eight months later, not severely again though. When I was thirteen, same thing, every few months until i was fourteen, same again, but worse this time, eating less, restricting more often for longer periods of time. I kind of got into fasting too. i lost like ten pounds and then decided to stop what i was doing to myself and lose weight healthily. That didn't happen. I am fifteen now, I have gone in and out of old habits three times since i've turned fifteen it's only been five months, I give up or remind myself that this isn't good for me and then a month later i start restricting again. Quarantine was terrible for my mental health, crying every night and eating like shit. I kind of had a little binging going on, I definitely wouldn't classify it as BED but I would definitely say I was stuck. Every time I leave and try to heal it just comes back stronger, and so here I am once again, counting calories, restricting, wanting to purge all my food up but also wanting to eat everything in sight at the same time. It's awful. Sometimes I think that if I was born with a fast metabolism I wouldn't have to go through this, but I wasn't. So here I am, going through this.