Sadning inclination

SECRETS

We've kept this relationship as a secret because he's kinda become my moms friend and he didnt want here to know about us, cause if she did...we'd probs be dead and she'd hate us both. Ive kept it a secret for 5 month's .

Everytime i see him at work (which is also where mother works) i cant run to him and kiss him like i always want to, i cant smile at him or hold his hand like i want to, and i can't tell him i love him around his  other friends. To be honest, if they saw us kissing i really wouldn't give a shit.....cause he's the one i love, the one i care for.

We only see each other when he is free or when its the holidays and thats only one day each month.....most of that was because he lived with his mother and he didnt want all that trouble either cause his mom is not so nice to him...which i absolutely hate.
We text everyday though, thanks to me and my constant "i have to check on my daddy" mode😅.
We both love anime and when we're together we just sit there sll cuddled up and watch anime together and that really makes me happy. We actually have alot in common and we both loved the idea of sex when we were younger and we're both very silly (pervertive) when it comes to anything  really ( but mostly anime😅)
It just feels right when we're together....does anyone else have that feeling?.

I always say good morning and goodnight and sometimes when i dont say it first....he says it exactly when he wakes up and before he sleeps. Im glad he does that, sometimes i really do let my mind control me and it always shows me the negative side of things....so sometimes i feel like he wants yo break it off with me, or maybe he'll never wanna be friends with me again ...after the break up that is.
Even if we do break up, i would really love for him to stay in my life.....cause i know that i wont find someone like him ever again.

Sometimes i really feel like life sucks😔

Even though he's not my first bf, he's the only person that has ever made me feel this way and this is the first time i actually don't know what to do or how to move forward on this matter. All i could use is some advice, like.....im i the only one that is going through this saddens that hits me hard everyday

I love him very much and id do anything for him but why do i feel like he is not feeling the same way as i am. If all i want is to make him happy and be there for him😭😭

Him moving will make this harder than before and before it was very little of my seeing since he asked me to keep our relationship between us.

You know.....once i asked him what exactly am i to him and what exactly are we to him and he was like
"Your my pumpkin, your my baby and we are a couple ...yes our current circumstances don't allow us to be public but you are mine and i love you"

To clarify ....he calls me his little pumpkin 🙈. And i sorta like the nickname

As you can see im full of mixed feelings and i have no clue of what i should be doing or saying to make him see how i feel about our situation.
So if someone out there is nice and not mean at all......please share some advice on what i should do🙏🙏