She

And he was back

And he was back.

After all the years and the dropped tears. All the pain and the misery, he showed himself as if no one was ever hurt. As if going back was as easy as leaving the one behind...

He popped in and opened the buried wounds. He entered through the closed doors and windows of her heart. He knew, or maybe not, that he represents the most dark yet sensitive parts of her life. Maybe he wasn't aware of how hurt she was, or maybe he totally was. She refused to give him excuses but her heart wouldn't always follow.

He made her believe that she was never worth of love, that she wasn't really enough. And giving up on someone is the easiest way to go. He made her doubt the existence of love, he made her lose her voice and her innocent soul. Made her wear shields to protect herself from wolves and rabbits, only to end up losing her own skin.

She pretended to be fine with it for all those years, she said it was okay and not a big deal only to avoid other's sympathy. She actually hated looking so pathetic in front of others. Maybe she could thank him later for that, among some other things he made her change about herself throughout the years.
After all, she is well capable of taking care of her own self. But she wished she could rely on someone..
Not anyone, but a specific someone. 

It was so heavy. Her shoulders were burning, and her eyes were resisting the urge of crying for almost two days.

She couldn't really cry at school. Could she?

A flame was born. A dangerous one. A hurting one, that she was still not ready to face. Yet, it came sooner than expected and definitely at the very wrong time.

What could she do? The moment she imagined for almost all her life, finally came into reality but in a different aspect. She was definitely not grateful for that so don't get her wrong.

What could she say ? And what was she able to do in a such situation ?

Suddenly she felt vulnerable. She was suddenly looking for a shoulder to cry on. Not even a shoulder, just a free spot where she could scream loudly and not silently. Where she could cry her heart out. Where she could curse and laugh at how ironic her life was.

It was just too much to handle.

Too much on her little heart to bear. Too much on her small eyes to resist. Too much on her lips to fake, and too much on her mind to hold.

Summer light started to fade away a long time ago. She should have expected that rain wouldn't stop falling any sooner.
From the morning her light went gray, she should have prepared herself for something bitter not sweet.

Life is so unfair indeed. 

Crawling in her bed, she lost track of time. She lost her sleep and she lost her appetite. She was way weaker than she expected.

What a shame.

It was just another random day of the week, and a day she wouldn't imagine even in her nightmares. 

She caught herself daydreaming most of the day, yet it was true my dear, she really mastered the skill of faking smiles, faking replies, and faking energies. No one deserved to know...

No one had to know how fucked up she really was. Because only when you talk about it, only when you complain about it, then you realize how painful that is. She had to freeze the flowing emotions, and stand tall as a stone...

Was she a broken piece? Or an organized chaos?

It was that void inside of her that made her go through all of this. An emptiness she tried her best to fill, with people, books, science, passion, literally anything. Yet she failed.

He said he missed her in every hour and minute for the past couple of years. He said he loved her so much... But what's love if it's pain and hurt in its cores?

She never was able to understand that sentence until that moment.

She is scared. So scared of the unknown. Scared of what might happen, of what he might say, of what it might be. Shivers running through her knees, all the way up to her head. Headaches never felt more sore.

She was not okay. 

Definitely not okay...

She couldn't recognize her reflection on the mirror while washing away her tears. There was someone else standing out there, a way weaker and miserable human being. Could even be the weakest she has ever been. Because not only she had to deal with her health crisis, but also his sudden appearance in her life.

Would she forgive?

Would she allow her curiosity to take in?

The reasons still remain unknown. But until when?