She

Maybe it was all a dream, and maybe not. All she was sure of was the unreality of the reality she lived in.

Laying on her bed, she was thinking, doing her favorite hobby of all the times. In fact, that was the only thing she was good at.

"what if we looked at the moon rise with the same muse and excitement of the sunrise?"

She was that kind of a girl who would adopt a whole mood because of a butterfly she found dead on a falling leaf of an autumn tree. She was the kind of a girl who gets sparkles on her eyes while talking about something she truly loves. She was that kind of a girl who would ignore you if you hurt her and argue with you even though she was wrong.

In her young age, she got used and treated bad much times, but how could she stand against that if all she had in her mind back then was "why is the moon still following me and not leaving  like all the others used to do?"

She knew she was innocent, she knew she would get hurt, yet she went with the flow. That's how God made her, and that's how God made the others, and that's how God made the rest... Maybe at the age of 43 she would have forgotten all the bad memories. Or maybe at the age of 15 she'll pretend that nothing really happened. Maybe at the age of 4 she would tell him not to leave... Maybe was her new friend who never left her side, and made her go through dark wonders with no door nor lightening.

What's next? No one really seems to know the following step, she said. We live in a such complex world where money and sex are all what matter the most. But she was pure, pure just like the sky, or at least that's how some other paradoxes used to call her.. At the end we are just humans lacking love, affection and money, looking for other ways to get those resources with less harm as we can. Aren't we ? She asked him while they were doing their thing, while they were simply making the worst of her memories, a memory that is darker than black, a memory that can't be remembered without being hosted with a tear full of regrets and hate. Wasn't she pure few minutes ago ? How could hatred appear suddenly? Her friends wondered.

She was profoundly believing that all what's happening is happening for a reason, and that life is beautiful and enjoyable.. until she realized that life was simply life not beautiful nor cruel, just ... life. When she discovered that she was sick and forced to follow some instructions to save her life. She didn't deserve to die, did she? For her, dying because of a disease was just a nicer way to die, since she died everyday inside in the past few years..So she didn't really care about healing, yet her family did.

What if he comes back? She asked in the most inappropriate moment of her life, the moment doctors should decide either she can go back to school or be hospitalized... it was that dangerous, yes. When she was asked to evaluate the pain she said that it wasn't much and she could resist, then they told her that she was brave because a person in her case would never say the same.... in fact they just have no idea about how much pain she went through. Maybe.

Nothing was fix with her, everything was dynamic weird and moody. Cheerful in the morning, serious at night as she has never been, haven't you got terrified yet my dear? That's her superpower she believed, being invisible sometimes but also forgettable we gotta admit.

She never thought about suicide, because she believed, deeply inside that we all deserve to live, no matter how hard our life is.. her people admired her for who she became, while she stayed the same, the innocent little girl, who can't help raining questions into her head. Yes, her childhood made her strength, all the experiences she lived, all the embarrassments, all the bad memories... made her. So she is thankful for what she'd become. What about her teenage life? How did she survive her teenage life in which people are so mean or so friendly? Those high school years where the one is supposed to experience love stories, and so she did, but in a different way.......

Day one of high school was nothing like the ones we all saw in American movies, besides all the facilities they got, people were too welcoming, she felt warm and loved, a feeling, that she couldn't find even at home.

The first, second and third were all the same.. plenty of older guys lacking attention and affection, and willing to feed their lack with her innocence... Witty she was, she could save the situation before falling into their trap, or maybe they have fallen into hers when she gave them her time and left them alone later. "sorry I got it from my daddy" whenever they ask her why. Who was she? How could she change so fast ? Oh my dear, she didn't change, but time did, her innocence couldn't live with the wolves so she turned it into a weapon to attract the savages and let them fall into her hidden traps. She built an emotional immunity system during high school, or at least during the two first years.. while the graduation year was hiding for  her a bigger surprise.

Finally 18 years old, but she was older than that, wasn't she ? Well, in her graduation year, she had to focus more on her studies and leave apart all those emotional stories... but something went wrong when she first saw him....

That was such a perfect way to start any year, but certainly not a graduation year.. how did he love me ? She asked. How could she choose me ? He replied.. It was too mysterious to understand and too magical to be real, yet we have no right to know more, in order to keep the privacy of love and it's charm...

there was no way to say more.