loverboy - josh kiszka

21.

   We found the boys quickly, Sammy in the middle of the living room, playing an imaginary guitar to the song blaring over the speakers, and a very stoned Danny laughing at him on the couch.

   When Danny noticed us, he lazily waved us over, scooting down the couch to make room. Jake and I fell down next to him. The room felt like it was spinning and I had no idea how Sam had all that energy to be putting on such an amazing show for us.

   "Where have you guys been?" Danny asked loudly, trying to be heard over the music. Jake laughed loudly. "You'll never fucking guess." I tried to shush him, my cheeks red. "No no no. It's a secret." I said, but I couldn't help but laugh with him.

   "Come on Po. Let me tell him." Jake grinned and Danny looked at me through half lidded eyes, waiting to hear the story. I took Jake's drink from him, deciding I was going to have to get even more drunk to keep from being embarrassed.

   "Posy was with her ex thing right?" Jake couldn't keep a straight face as he tried to continue, but burst out laughing. I took a big gulp of alcohol, feeling giddy. "The Oliver guy?" Danny asked, looking intrigued.

   I took another drink, fuck it. "Yes the Oliver guy." I nodded, trying to help Jake tell the story. Danny smacked his hand against his forehead dramatically and Jake laughed even harder, leaning against me.

   Sammy, who had just noticed us, staggered over to the couch. "What I miss?" He asked, grinning at the sight of the laughing Jake, who prepared to restart the story. "Posy was with her ex thing." He said again and he looked over at me, smiling wide. He was wasted. I was too.

   Danny was waiting patiently for us to continue and Sam looked downright thrilled to hear the rest. Jake was clearly incapable of telling the story so I drunkenly explained the rest. "I tried to take him upstairs but he said I was too drunk."

   All three of them burst into loud laughter, Jake attempting to take the drink back from me. I held it out his reach and suddenly felt it being snatched from my own hand. I turned around only to see Josh standing there, the drink in his hand now.

   "What's so funny?" He asked and I looked away quickly. "Posy tried to fuck her ex." Sam declared loudly and I couldn't help but giggle as I tried to shush him. "Sammy no!" I attempted to put my finger over his lips, falling forward. We collapsed into laughter again and I felt dizzy.

   "Posy, come with me." Josh said abruptly and I snapped my head back to look at him, smiling wide. "For what?" I asked and Jake defensively wrapped his arms around me. "You need some air. You're fucking drunk." Josh said, handing the drink over to Jake, who immediately let me go to grab it.

   Before waiting for me to answer, Josh reached his hand down to pull me up. "In case this is the last time you see me tonight, I love you all." I exclaimed, throwing kisses to the boys. Josh held onto my arm, pulling me to the front door.

   I was unsteady but his touch was firm so I didn't fall. He brought me outside and the winter air hit me hard. "Are you drunk?" I asked him, trying to poke at his side. Josh didn't seem to be finding me funny right now but I thought I was hilarious.

   "I'm not drinking tonight." He said, but he wouldn't look at me. We stood in the driveway and I leaned back against one of the cars to steady myself. "I'm very drunk I think." I told him and I grinned.

   He wasn't smiling.

   "What's wrong?" I asked, trying to get him to look at me. I wanted to reach out and touch him but he seemed so far away. Why was he so far away?

   "What are you doing Posy?"

   "I'm talking to you."

   He looked away, trying to hide the smile that was creeping onto his face. When he looked back at me again, the smile was gone like I had just imagined it. "What were you doing in there?" He asked and I was taken back by how serious he sounded.

   "I dunno." I answered, suddenly feeling very small. The snow around me was falling in what felt like slow motion. I was so cold and Josh was so far. I wanted to wrap myself up in him.

   "Why were you trying to fuck your ex?" He asked, snapping me back to reality. "I dunno. Why did you come with Lily?" I tried to cross my arms the way he was but I lost my balance against the car.

   Josh reached out quickly to grab me and his hands were so warm. He helped me to lean back against the car again and as soon as I was steady, he dropped his hands. I could still feel his warm touch on me.

   I had nearly forgot what I had asked him when he finally spoke again, "I don't know Po."He looked down at the ground and I suddenly felt angry that he wouldn't look at me. He could tell by the look on my face that I was mad.

   "Why are you angry? I should be the one who's upset." He said, his dark eyes locking into mine. I opened my mouth in shock. "Why?"

   "I wish you wouldn't ask me questions like that."

   I should be the angry one. Not him. What did he have to be angry for? I hated this Josh. He was no fun. He took me out in the cold just to scold me like I was a child after not talking to me for days. He was being mean.

   "Posy, you tried to fuck your ex." Josh said, clearly frustrated. "And what does that have to do with you?" I asked, attempting to walk towards him. He was always so fucking far from me.

   "I like you. What don't you understand about that?"

   "You have a funny way of showing it." I muttered, suddenly feeling nauseous. The ground felt like it was moving. "Posy, go back over to the car." Josh ordered, placing his hands on my shoulders and attempting to walk me backwards to the car.

   Once I was against the car again, he stood on the other side of me, leaning against it. "You've been confusing me since this whole thing started. You never kissed me," I raised a finger up to him, "And you had every opportunity to."

   "You don't talk to me for days and then you show up here with fucking Lily?" I felt so angry at him. So drunk and so angry and so unsteady. "You told me to leave you alone." He said, "And should I remind you that you were trying to fuck your ex? So don't get mad at me about Lily when I have no intention of having sex with her."

   I opened my mouth to speak but he kept talking, his voice upset, "And you could've kissed me too. But you never did. It goes both ways." I heard loud pops and I looked upwards, realizing people had started to shoot fireworks. They sprinkled into the sky, a burst of color.

   I could hear them counting down inside. I hadn't even realized that it was almost midnight. I was too drunk. I felt fucking awful. But the sky looked so pretty and I looked over at Josh and he looked so pretty too. He was mad at me but he was pretty.

   "Do you want me to kiss you Josh?" I asked and he looked taken back by the question. "What?"

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   I rammed my lips into his and before I could even comprehend what was happening, he was kissing me back. I could hear yelling and laughter from inside as the New Years rang in, loud fireworks popping over our heads. But all I could focus on was his mouth on mine.

   He pulled away suddenly and I stared at him. "I'm here with Lily." He said unexpectedly and I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off again. "You should go find Oliver." He didn't move though and I felt like I was going to cry.

   He wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't move so I stumbled my way back into the house, leaving him standing alone against the car.