attractive? ??. yup, problems are really attracted to me

when you realize

The feeling you get one you realize that its really fine if you are not a part of a group....I mean if you are there or not...it hardly matters...
To some ppl its not an issue if you are depressed or stuff..,,, and how you were litrally worrying over them when it was their sadness....,
I really don't want any sympathy or stuff like that....but all I really want is a shoulder whom I can cry on....
To be honest.....I feel no bad getting care.....but that makes me feel that I bother ppl...,, , Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I feel really sad when somebody is sad..,,I mean somebody who is a part of my life and with whom I have shred some laughter and stuff....I feel bad...I really feel bad
What bothers me is that they are crying
And I can't help but I try my best...giving them some advice for things being okay(fact:things never ever get really okay)I make them laugh.....I make them feel alright to cry and make them feel that I care and that is my problem......
My problem.....I care
I really care.....but what I get in return is not what I give
I feel so sad knowing that
I gave all my love and care to the ppl who never gave the same in return and never felt the same......all to the wrong ppl who never really understood the me.....
They cried......I felt the hurt
They smiled.....I felt the warmth
They laughed..,.,..I felt happy
But why why why why....
Do I get nothing in return.....nothing what I gave...nothing what I felt....and all I get is no further importance....
This is what bothers me
Why lord.....why
Then...I feel used....I blame myself....I think that all that happened wrong was my fault......I go crazy realizing that I wasted all my time over a person who never understood me...who never felt the way I did...who never cared....who never.....never. .never looked back towards me...
I feel like stupid now....
I gave them all my love...my vare...my time
But nothing in return I got....
________________________________________
              The reason
there was this friend of mine who was older than me....maybe she is in 10th...okay?....she is my friend since like couple of years...we walk ourselves home from the park that was kinda far (I go there for playing basketball)....
I really respect her....the way she thinks though I don't agree with many...I liked the way she expressed......she had a great mind with plenty of thoughts and stuff....
She was bullied earlier in classes....she was depressed...nobody really knew about that exept her younger sister who usually accompanied us towards the house....(she too is a good friend of mine)......okay so thatt friend who was going through all that was really sad....she had nobody to help and trust me all what I could do was let her cry...I really loved her as a person (not really love....I mean the attractive love stuff but the other one....I mean the way you love your best friend.....but she is not one of them...plz....she is not....I mean she is good but u know that she didn't like me or that stuff)
I admit that I also never liked her at first but when I came to know her, she wasn't a that bad person....she did also confess that she also never liked me before...,
I helped as much as I can but.,,,....
Then soon things strt changing.....
A new girl named angel (who is not an angel to me)
Well....I helped my friend untill today over her depression matter...,,
Well that friend did help me cop up with some teachers at school.....
She even gave me some advice over #trustissues
She did that but then after angel came.....rapidly things changed....rapidly....
So it was almost this week when that friend, her sister, angel and I were walking home.....we were randomly laughing.. (we do that almost everyday)
...when she suggested to have a convo over what we think of each other....starting from me.(btw..my name is nainy)
She said:
Nainy is narrow minded and I think is not trustworthy anymore
Turning toward angel
You are the most trustworthy person around and I find you a good person..
At 1st I trusted nainy but now I trust you..,,....
Me be like...ouchhh
Angel said:nainy has the most fun personality
Me be like...thanks...happy you didn't made my mood worse...
That friend then exclaimed in between
I also feel so....
Her younger sister didn't really say something....maybe she hid more bad stuff for me cause I know she won't say anything to her sister and not for that angel as she was a good friend of her too....
Ughhhhh
Ughhhh
Everybody.....ughhhh
Hates.........ughhhh
Me............ughhhh
Well this is what makes me feel ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh cause everyone, everything...is actually ughhhhhh
When it came to me
I said: I like everybody (cause I didn't really hate angel as she was nice towards me and stuff).....and I have nothing to say more...
Well honestly I wanted to say this
To my friend:
I respect you alot and I love the way you speak.....I guess you are the only senior that I respect...no offense...okay?...you have a great mind and I like you in a friendly way.....I think you are the only person around who deserves a happy life further cause thats what I want to see you....but on the other hand....I really don't like the way you criticize ppl...the way you judge them...and the way you want to change the way ppl think....
I was going to add the thing where I thought I will say the way you forget what they did for you but I didn't.
I would say this to her younger sister:
Trust me,,,,....don't you dare change.., I love your jokes I mean the -not lame -jokes,....I love the goofy thing of your and I love you girl.,,, (friendly way)
I wanted to say this to angel-
Angel....you are a nice friend and I like the way you are kinda so decent but I feel really insecure when you are around..,,i ignored.....cause attension is what all you get..........
Earlier I felt that you were a lier and then I changed my mind after I got you to know.....okay?
Well here I was about to mention that she took away my place....
I feel that I am no longer important anymore...why? Because of you,.,
Dear...
It felt like everything was okay without me
I mean.., I didn't really matter...If I was or am...u know.....no longer important, .., forget about important, I am not even mattering.....

I feel that the world is completely okay when I am not okay....okay? Not even there...,

Completely useless.....