cove holden x reader

dysphoria [cove x tm]

cw: dysphoria, mentions of afab body parts, mild s3lf-h4rm, panic attack

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a sigh erupted from your body as you curled farther into your covers. they engulfed you with their cool softness. the afternoon was slipping away as if it had no substance in the first place and the sun lost it's gold as it sunk far into the horizon. you were laying on your back, limbs spread as far as you could manage so that none of them were touching. the feeling of fabric from the bed was much more comfortable than the contact of your skin touching.

your headphones were turned up as loud as they could be to block out any unmerciful thoughts that might come rocketing through your head. there was no possibility of you hearing anything besides the music that booming out of them-- at least that what you wished were true, but despite the noise, your thoughts still prevailed. you couldn't run from yourself.

you felt your appearance never looked the way it was supposed to. the tissue extruding from your chest made you despise the way you look and it felt as if no matter how hard you tried, you always looked feminine. you felt such a detachment from your body that you often ignored taking care of it completely.

tears threaten to seep from your clenched eyes as your mind took over. the music was now unbearably loud combined with the things you were thinking. things were becoming overwhelming. you could feel everything around you to an stifling extent. your face heated as hot tears left trails of wet on your skin.

you ripped the sound device from your head, throwing it opposite of you. they smacked against the wall and crashed to the bed with a thud, snapping into position as the bed broke their fall. your breathing was fast and rigid, causing you to feel lightheaded and panicked. it was like you were trapped with no escape.

you clawed at your chest, nails digging into your skin, bypassing the thin fabric of your shirt. perhaps this way you could feel closer to an escape. the softness of the skin beneath the clothing heightened your awareness of it. you weren't binding, so the skin was open to be touched. it was soft, supple, and it upset you even more.

you flailed your hands in frustration, letting out a soft whimper.

"hey-- a-ah," the sound of a voice sent you flying to your feet, sheets tangled between your legs. it was hard to stand straight and once you thought you were steady standing, you were sent plummetting to the floor. once on the floor, your body went limp, shoulders trembling as sobs erupted from your body. "y/n..."

cove ran to your side, placing a lone hand on your back. despite not being able to see his face, you knew he was unsure of what to do. embarassed you turned away, sobbing into the floor. the texture of your carpet didn't feel very pleasant against your face, and scraped your cheeks with it's obnoxious fibers. still, you leaned into it, not wanting cove to see how miserable you looked right now.

"y/n," cove said your name quietly and slowly; he at least knew how to talk to you when you got like this. he gently encouraged you to come closer. feeling more safe, you lifted yourself from the ground, shaking your feet to untangle yourself from the sheets. once loose, you rushed into his arms.

another pitchy sob fell out of you as you held him tightly. you buried you face into the cradle of his neck. you felt him tense up beneath you, but he didn't pull away or struggle. instead he wrapped his arms around you and traced shapes into your back. you tried to focus on that feeling.

"what's going on?" he asked gently, with enough strength to imply concern but soft enough so that you didn't feel pressure. you remained silent for a moment, gathering your thoughts enough to speak. it was hard for you to put into coherent words, and even harder to say them out loud. you stumbled to find the right words, but eventually landed on one question.

"am i a real boy?" your words were quiet, broken, only loud enough for cove to hear. cove placed two hands on your shoulders, pulling you back so that he could look you in the eyes. you knew he was being serious, as eye contact was sometimes something hard for him to do. his face turned stern, but soft, and comforting to look at.

 
"y/n, what is this? of course you are."

 
"even with this body? even when it feels so... wrong."

"there's nothing wrong with you, y/n. you're my perfect boyfriend. i love everything about you. nothing about your body makes you less of a man."

to that, the tears fell harder, and you couldn't help but pull cove into a desperate kiss. you loved him so much. you kissed him until there was no air left in your lungs. you pulled apart with a deep breath, exhaling as you found your voice again. you rested your forehead against his, closing your tired eyes.

"i just wish i could see what you see."

cove began mumbling softly, and although you couldn't hear exactly what he was saying you could feel his intent through his body language. as your senses began to calm, you realized the music you had put on earlier had never stopped playing. the headphones were resting on the bed, bent from the impact of the wall, but still blaring the songs.

 
"do you want to talk about this more?" cove asked in a small voice. he knew not to be too pushy about stuff like this, and you really appreciated that. you let out a deeply instilled sigh.

 
"i dont even know what set it off this time. it gets hard to even touch my body sometimes," you clenched your eyes, face flushing again. you buried your face into coves neck once again, breathing in his scent. he smelled like the beach-- of course he did. you cracked a fond smile. "im glad i can talk to you about this."

"my pretty boy," cove mumbled gently, rubbing circles into your back. your eyes fluttered shut, it was much more comfortable than the way they had been clenched before. you were happy to hear cove call you pet names, and for him to feel comfortable doing so. you supposed the both of you were being quite vulnerable in that moment. "i love you so much, y/n."

"i love you too, cove."

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a/n

hiya!! so here's this thing.

you can request here !! please be sure to include the gender of the mc and their pronouns as well as a general summary of the prompt. i won't typically do cove x fem mc bc it makes me dysphoric but i might think about it