Friends of mine.

Chapter Thirty.

We lie still. Shivers are still running down my spine, still holding Nick and I realise I need to get him out of this room. I still don't know how long he's been here and when he done this to himself, the blood down his shirt is making me feel sick and I know I need to clean him up.
I stare up at the ceiling, keeping my hand on Nick's chest to feel it rising and falling, still not wanting to take advantage of Nick being here, my heart still hasn't steadied from the panic I had.
I look down at him, his eyes closed again and I realise he's fast asleep, I'm not surprised, who wouldn't be tired after such a thing, the thing I know he done but nothing will bring me to think much about it, I need Nick to explain it to me.
"Hey, don't close your eyes please. Keep them open for me, yeah?"
I whisper, moving my hand from under Nick's hand to wake him up gently, wanting him to lift his head himself to gain some more strength on his own.
He lets his eyes open once again, setting his hand onto the cold floor beneath us, his eyes wincing as he lifts himself up from under my lap, his arms soon becoming too weak as he lands to the floor, right in front of me.
I watch as he grabs his stomach, a groan escaping his lips, wincing in pain. My heart begins to ache for him, as I make my way over to where he fell.

"Hey, be careful."
I whisper, kneeling down to him, his eyes wincing, still keeping his hand on his stomach.

"C-Can you stand?"
He looks up at me, sighing deeply as the pain on his face lets me know I asked the stupidest question I could.

"Shit- sorry. Let me help you up."
I look to his hands, they are shaking like mad, pure fear in his eyes and I can feel them on me, my nerves are killing me.

"Give me your arm."
I demand in a whisper, and he swallows thickly, lifting his shaking arm towards me.
I take his hand, putting his arm around my shoulders and attempting to lift myself and Nick up.

"Fuck!"
Nick hisses, and I lean down again in fear, looking down to see Nick's other arm around me, clenching onto my shirt with all his strength.

"I-I'm sorry... I didn't-"
He puts his finger to my lips, shushing me, shaking his head with a small forced smile.

"It's okay I just... What if I throw up?"
He looks up at me, fear in his eyes. I stare at him, his words triggering a memory in my head, the night I helped him back to my place, where he was so wrecked, I should have seen this coming, that he was only getting worse.

"What if I throw up?"
"You're not gonna throw up."

I stare into his eyes, the quiver of my lip resembles a small smile as I shake my head at him.
"You're not gonna throw up. If you do, it doesn't matter."
I reassure him, giving a smirk to make him feel slightly better.

He nods, gripping onto my hand tighter to try again, I just want him out of this room, get him to his bed to let him rest, to talk to him too.
I keep him around me, making our way to the bed just so he can sit down somewhere that isn't the floor, the painful groans escaping his lips are only making me feel worse.
I slip his arm off of my shoulders, yet once I set him onto the bed, he seems hesitant to let go of me, his hands still gripping onto me, shaking immensely.

"H-Hey... It's okay. Sit down and I'll clean you up, you need it."
I say, taking his hands and setting them upon his lap, he nods at me, curling his legs up onto the bed, leaning back on the frame.

We sit close, on top of he bed covers with our legs crossed, both knees touching closely as I clean the blood from his face, making me feel slightly nauseous doing so, but it's the least I could do.
He keeps his eyes on me until I look at him, that's when he'll turn away, or look down and pick at his nails, I don't mind him looking at me, it's quite comforting when our eyes meet, it makes me smile and his eyes have always been special to me, they're special because he looks at me like he's never looked at anyone else before, and they're just beautiful; even when looking so tired.
Looking at him now makes everything make sense, and I feel so stupid for not realising it so much sooner. How did I not realise that when he speaks to me, all my problems drift away, and that the only thing that matters are his eyes and smile? That I would always stop speaking for him, since sometimes I couldn't find the words to say as he made me feel speechless.
In the back of my mind, all I can think about is that kiss. It's floating around in my head and I know it's not something to bring up now, but I can't help but wonder if Nick has thought about it too, what if he's over it? What if I was too late?
He still has his head down in shame, and I don't want him to feel that way. I ache for him, I ache for his touch more than anything, I find myself desperate to just hold him, his skin looks in need of being touched.
I finally give into my needs, reaching a hand up to his chin to lift his head up so he is facing me again, and his eyes finally look into mine, making my heart pound in my chest.
I bring my hand away from his chin and cup his cheek instead, my thumb rubbing over his ear.
He puts his hand over mine which stays upon his face, and I just about finish cleaning him up, the blood now gone from his face, no makeup, no nothing, just Nick.
We both keep touching each other in ways that are not exactly platonic, but are both too afraid to say a word about it, which kind of describes our friendship in a way. The way we would stay close, hands accidentally touching but neither of us would move away, any opportunity there was we would take it, the way we were both scared to do anything more. It would have always been a lie to say I was happy with what we had, I was just so afraid of loosing him and so I settled for what we had, being friends.
Yet I'll always remember those nights where I stayed awake and wished he was next to me, holding me in his arms, what did I think that was?
I soon take the wet towel away from his face, just so I can see all of him, eyes still drawn to me, not letting the eye contact go, there's just so many things I want to say.
Although my thoughts are soon interrupted when I see Nick's bottom lip quiver, his breathing shuddering slightly and I watch as a tear falls from his eye.