Hold Me Now

Chapter 3: Us

After school, Johnny was at his locker shoving things into it.  Glancing up, he noticed Ava at hers as well. Suddenly feelings of unworthiness, and old inadequacies, washed over him in waves. He felt like an emotional amateur, a total loser. It's like ninth-grade deja vu. There are things, so many things, to say like I miss you being one. But he can't. It wouldn't change anything, so he'll keep pretending he doesn't care. 

However, she seems to always be on his mind. As terrible as it is to admit, when he was dating Ali she was on his mind, even then. During Junior year, she was running through his brain a lot. And when he was punch drunk, forgetting Ali's birthday, he thought about her during those moments too. This was when Dutch had a drunken epiphany, which was super unexpected as it's Dutch. Usually, it's Bobby who disperses bits of wisdom.

Even though he was talking about choosing between pizza or tacos, regardless it punched him in the face. His drunken friend said "Your gut always knows what's up. Trust that shit. Taco pizza it is." Those words your gut always knows what's up. Trust that has replayed over and over in his thoughts like a broken record. A few days later, his mother told him, "If you can't get someone off your mind, then they're probably supposed to be there."

What is that? These stupid feelings just won't go away. He's done such a badass job of hiding these things, but it keeps coming back begging to be found. Deep inside that secret place, it whispers "real love has a habit of doing that". God! What did he see in her besides her laugh, her smile, her kindness, the way she twirls her hair when she's upset, or how she bites her lip when she's nervous? The way she held him close when Sid was particularly nasty. 

Or how he could tell her anything and everything. She wouldn't even laugh at the stupid crap he said. Like how he only eats the red M&M's. How every Christmas Eve he writes a message in a bottle and throws it into the ocean because someone, somewhere might need cheer. The way she didn't nag him to change or be something he's not. 

And when he thinks of anyone else having Ava, his stomach drops like he's been on a free-fall ride. Maybe that's why he dated Ali, to beat the sting of her dating anyone else away. Because who wouldn't want to date her? She's the kind of girl who reaches into your soul, rearranges the bones, and repositions the ribcage so your heart can be home.

It's painfully clear his heart chose Ava and won't let go. It's sickening. Who needs this? He's fine without it. The growing frustration was taken out on his locker, as he slammed it shut and hit it with a fist.

Then like some idiot, his mouth did what his mind didn't want it to do. "Hey, Ava." She looked at him and smiled, but it didn't reach all the way to her eyes like normal. 

She slammed her locker shut too. Why does he have to talk to her? Can't he just, you know, leave her alone? Pretend she doesn't exist like he's done for the past two years? "Hi, Johnny." 

Why is he staring at her like he knows how she looks in her underwear? Why do his eyes and smile have a way of making her feel naked? It disarms her and she doesn't like it. It's always been like this with him, bulldozing his way through her own emotional armor.  

Shuffling his feet around, and feeling like a really insecure badass, he asked "So are you going to hear Brent play tonight? Heard he was back in town."

She tried to look anywhere but his eyes. It never works. They're like a huge black hole pulling her in so deep she can never get out. And when he looks at her she swears it's hard to breathe.