Lulu in the Woodlands

Chapter 1 Authority

AUTHORITY

For the shortest while, she could run upright, but then the culvert began to get smaller and smaller. Drat! Why do I always have to reach and bend on the days when I wear my mini? But she didn't have much time to think about that. Suddenly, so suddenly that she had not a moment to stop herself, the tunnel dipped downward and Lulu found herself falling

down,

down,

down.

Oh, dear me! mused Lulu. This is indeed what granny used to call a conundrum. The well, or whatever it was that she was falling in, must have been very deep or she was falling very slowly, because she had plenty of time to reflect on things. As a matter of fact, in no time, if there is such a thing as no time, she found that she was getting used to falling. Well, thought Lulu, one really can get used to almost anything, can't one? Still, I wonder how far I've fallen?

"Well, do the math!" admonished the left side of her brain! But Lulu ignored it. She preferred to wonder. Almost certainly I will live, Lulu assured herself, because when you were going to become deceased, (she didn't like to use the die word because it seemed so final), your life passes before your eyes. And all that was passing before her eyes were shelves and shelves full of books, and pamphlets. It was then that it occurred to her that all those books and pamphlets had once been trees, hadn't they? Well, of course they had, or were or whatever. So, she made a mental note, Invest in paper.

Then a very new and surprising thought occurred to her: So many books and pamphlets. It's a wonder that anyone bothers to write new ones anymore. And with that, she reached out and took a pamphlet off a shelf. Its title was Our Woodlands:cutting subsidies or subsidize cutting? What a queer title. Shouldn't they have decided that before they printed it? She flipped quickly through the pages, then put it back on a passing shelf.

"HEY!" said a very LOUD male voice, "that's not MY ISSUE!" She looked up to see who was shouting, but all she could see was the pamphlet sailing down after her. Well! It may not be "HIS ISSUE," whatever that is, but that doesn't give him the right to litter. Now I will have to collect it and dispose of it when I arrive, whenever that is!

She looked down, but all was blackness. Meanwhile, the shelves of books had given way to shelves and shelves and shelves of video cassettes.

"Wow, xow, yow, zow!", exclaimed Lulu.

By now she was sure that she had passed through the centre of the earth and was heading to the other side. But how shall I know where I am when I get there? thought Lulu. I don't own a GPS, whatever that is, and I don't know a thing about longitude and latitude! But she was only stumped for a minute. Of course! There will be road signs! And then... I wonder if I will be able to read them?

Well, we do have to make the best of things, she reminded herself. When I exit on the other side of the world, I shall just have some Szechuan chicken with black bean sauce. That will be nice." Then she frowned. But I will be in a foreign country. How will I ever explain my lack of a visa? Although I do have my Visa card. Oh well... I suppose it will all work out...

Suddenly, BUmp bUMp buMP, and it was all over. And the next thing she knew, she had landed on a giant pile of junk mail, and having slid somewhat ignominiously down the side, was standing primly arranging her skirt as she peered up at the pile. So that's where it all goes! There was no sign of the booklet. Just as well. It must be on the pile somewhere. she surmised.

Lulu looked around. In front of her was another passage and the ivory rabbit, or white rabbit if you prefer, was still in view, hurrying along. "Golly gee, how late I'll be!" he said as he turned a corner. Lulu hurried after him, and turned the corner to find herself in what appeared to be some sort of a very large studio. It was empty except for a stool in the middle. There was a big mirror at one end and a lot of doors around the other three walls. But there was no sign of the rabbit. He had to have gone through one of the doors, but which one?

Lulu tried all the doors. She soon discovered that most were faux portes—fake doors—but two were real. One was gigantic—she was very careful not to exaggerate, but it WAS gigantic! In fact, it was so huge that the door knob was way up high, out of reach. The other was a little door so tiny that only a rat or a very small cat could get through it.

What to do?

Lulu checked her makeup in the mirror, studied her outfit, discovered a small tear in one of her stockings, played with her hair a bit, and finally, feeling a little tired, went over to the stool and sat down.

But no sooner had her bottom hit the stool, than 10 little mice scampered into the studio from all directions. "Eeeek!" said Lulu and, miniskirt and all, leapt onto the stool. The mice ran about, helter-skelter, or willy-nilly if you prefer, bumping into and falling over each other.

They finally calmed down and formed up in a straight-line, facing Lulu. Then they all stood on their hind legs in unison. They were very small and a long way down, but she could see that they each wore a T-shirt with a letter on it - except for one that sported an "!" Lulu furrowed her brow. All the letters together spelled "HATYOURIT!" Well, that made no sense. Lulu tried to pronounce the word, but to no avail. Perhaps they are Afghan mice, she thought to herself. After all, we are a country of immigrants. Why, just yesterday she was sympathizing with someone who was obsessing over all the immigrant plants that were taking over - careful - becoming established in the province.

Lulu threw up her hands, and with that, the line of mice let out a little giggle and the mouse wearing the A said, "She's not that bright." And they all scrambled and reformed into the word, !YTIROHTUA, if YTIROHTUA is indeed a word. Maybe it's a puzzle, thought Lulu. Yes, of course. That's it. It's a puzzle. Lulu's brow became furroweder and furroweder as she tried to solve the puzzle.

"DO NOT STAND ON THE STOOL!" commanded the A mouse, in a very loud, very commanding voice indeed. Lulu was so startled that she almost fell off the stool and onto her head.

"SIT ON THE STOOL!" boomed the authoritarian voice. Lulu scrambled down from the stool, then sat on it demurely and put up her hand.

"NO QUESTIONS NOOB!" roared Mouse A as he signalled to the others. They quickly scrambled into their correct positions, "because, as you can see," Mouse A continued in a more reasonable tone, "we make up AUTHORITY!"

That's true, thought Lulu. She had been brought up to be a nice girl and to respect AUTHORITY. Besides, it relieved her to know that there was someone in authority around to take charge. But no. The mice took off, leaving Lulu sitting on the stool.

At least, Lulu reminded herself, it's not the weekend, so I won't have to wait long for the authorities to decide what to do.

But something must have gone wrong, because wait was exactly what she had to do.

And remember: This was at a time when there were no iPhones.

Poor Lulu.