What You Deserve

Chapter Six

It's been forever but I'm not dead! Wahooo!! My new semester's keeping me busier than I'd like. Well.

Is it gay to want the voice in your head to shut up when it tells you not to be gay so you can finally screw your best angel friend in peace? Probably.

Prepare for emotional emotions, yall. Dean sure has a lot of conflicting ones xD

Bit of a reference to "Only Us" from Dear Evan Hansen (more in the next chapter) because I recently watched the movie and against the apparent common opinion I, for my part, absolutely loved it.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Cas, stop!

Cas' eyes went wide, the warmth of his chest against the palms of Dean's hands withdrawing in a hurry, bringing much more space between them than Dean's heart wanted, even with his mind telling him that little bit of distance was actually what he needed.

"D-Dean." A spark of shock, of fear ignited behind Cas' eyes, his hands clenching down by his sides as if to keep them from reaching out.

"Oh, Dean, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." The angel shook his head to himself, pulling back further, and no, Dean didn't like this at all, why was Cas apologizing, this was not what Dean had meant when he told him to wait, he just...just needed-

"I shouldn't have-", Cas mumbled, making a move to step away. Dean could already see it, could see him turning around and leaving, leaving the room, leaving him, again, like everybody always did when he fucked up-

"Forgive me." Cas looked and sounded devastated. "I-I shouldn't have lost control like that. I'll just..."

"Hey." Dean finally found the presence of mind to reach for him, ignoring the sting of hurt when Cas flinched at the hand gripping his wrist. "Hey, wait a second. Breathe, angel."

Dean managed what he hoped was a calm, reassuring smile when he saw Cas' eyes widening at the term of endearment.

"Cas, breathe, it's all good. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not changing my mind, okay?", he added, a flash of guilt reminding him that this would not be an unreasonable fear for Cas to have. "I just...I just needed a second", Dean explained. "Maybe we...shouldn't just jump into this", he heard himself say, and yeah, hilarious, wasn't it - how much jumping could one possibly do after a decade of pining?

"We gotta talk about this first, yeah?" Dean winced at his own words, even knowing rationally that they did have to do it. Talk. Right. Great.

Keep shovelling your own grave. Got plenty of practice on the job, after all.

Because he was so good at that, talks about feelings. He'd probably just fuck up and shove Cas away further if they started unravelling the whole pile of issues that kind of needed addressing before anything ...else happened. Why couldn't he just make his dad's voice shut up, jump Cas again the way his body desperately wanted to and devour the angel before he ruined his chance with talking?

Dean swallowed, tightening his grip around Cas' wrist, pretending it would make it harder for Cas to run away once he remembered that Dean came in a package with a shitload of unresolved crap.

"I just gotta make sure we're on the same page, here", Dean said like an idiot, as if he wanted Cas to chicken out or something. Which he definitely didn't! He just couldn't go and drag Cas down with him without the angel knowing what he was getting himself into. Maybe not even then...

Cas didn't look like he wanted to run away, though. At least not yet. Dean was pretty sure his mouth would manage that sooner or later.

In fact, Cas did look worried, but it was the kind of worry directed at Dean, his brow furrowed in a mixture of confusion and concern.