Baby It's COVID Outside

Chapter 16 - Henry

Susie didn't move from where her face was buried in my chest, but I knew instinctively, something had changed.

As much as I wanted to lift her face to mine and kiss her senseless, the moment seemed inappropriate somehow. Although she hadn't said anything, her body was stiff with tension. I rubbed my hand in soothing circles around her back in an effort to bring her out of whatever she was thinking. Did she regret the moment? Did she regret the kiss?

I didn't know what was going through her head, but if it were anything like the voice in mine screaming that it couldn't believe we just did that, I understood she might need a minute.

That minute stretched into another and I knew we couldn't stay like this forever, no matter how right it felt to hold her against my chest.

"Susie?" I asked softly, leaning to try to catch a glimpse of her face and understand what she was feeling.

Her breath was coming in panicked gasps and her eyes were wide. "Susie?" I asked more firmly now, pulling away as I spoke and catching her chin with my fingers to tilt her face up to look at me.

"I...er...we shouldn't have done that. You're my boss. Oh god, I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry...I...I sorry." Susie's words tumbled out of her in a garbled mess.

Her skin burned against mine and her eyes pleaded with me to understand. My hand dropped from her face and I felt my heart breaking inside of me. Keeping my face impassive and unconcerned was near impossible, but somehow I did. "Why are you apologising? I'm the one who kissed you."

"Because you gave me the chance to say no, and I... I didn't." Susie pulled herself a little further away from me, and the distance between us felt cold and strange.

"Did you not want it?" I said, suddenly unsure of myself, guilt edging my voice.

"Yes, I mean no, well yes, but I shouldn't. You're my boss." Susie added as though that explained it.

I turned my head away in an effort to conceal the conflicting emotions warring there. Pushing everything down inside of me, crushing it until I no longer felt anything but blissful numbness, I let out a breath.

When I turned back, the lust, hurt and guilt were gone, "It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to. We are just two adults, two people with needs, stuck together. If you'd prefer, we can pretend it never happened." I offered.

Susie considered that for a moment. Probably wondering as much as I was how we were ever supposed to pretend that never happened? A kiss that had simultaneously short-circuited my brain whilst also ruining me for any future kisses. Nothing would compare to the sparks, the intensity of that moment.

"That... that would be for the best. I need this job." She replied shakily.

Pain flared inside of me but I smothered it quickly. She really thought so little of me? "You will always have a job here Susie, no matter what happens between us. You are an incredible worker and the teams always rave about the work you do and the time you save them." I told her firmly.

Susie flushed at the praise, wringing her hands as though she didn't know quite what to do with them. "Thank you, sir."

I groaned, stepping back a pace so my back pressed to the fridge, "Fuck...you are going to have to stop calling me that if we are going to remain professional."

I saw the indecision in her eyes. A spark of interest that said she wasn't sure whether to push my boundaries or run. I wanted her to choose the former, but saw the resignation in her eyes as she made her choice.

"I'm sorry Mr Carter, we are just too different." She replied, trying unsuccessfully to hide how much my words affected her.

"Opposites attract." I muttered under my breath and she pretended not to hear me.

No matter how much it hurt, I could respect her choice.

"We want different things. You don't even like Christmas." Susie said sadly.

I cracked a half smile I didn't feel. She really was completely fixated on Christmas. But perhaps she was right. She was bright, happy and full of adventure and joy. I was too serious, too different.

I took a steadying breath, "If that is what you wish. I... I need to work off some of this," I waved a hand in an attempt to describe the pent up tension between us, "I'm going to do a workout."

Instead of easing that simmering chemistry between us, the kiss had added to it and it was threatening to boil over.

"I...I think I will read in bed...in my room." Susie stammered as she followed me through to the living room and watched me unpack the equipment.

I looked up at her and cleared my throat, "If that's what you wish." I repeated.

It didn't matter what I wished. What I wished was that Susie would say she had changed her mind. That she would cross the room in a few strides and push me back to sit on the sofa. I wanted her straddling my lap and kissing me.

Her cheeks flamed red as though she were hearing my thoughts. "Yes, it is." She squeaked and practically ran up the stairs.

I watched the stairs for a moment. As though my stare might bring her back.

How had I fucked it up so badly? That look in her eyes right before I kissed her had me sure she felt the same. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking? How had this evening gone from apologies and reconnecting, to fiery passion and regret?

With a frustrated breath, I launched into the rhythmic boredom of my workout. Losing myself in the moves and working myself harder than I usually did.

Even when I was panting for breath and laying on the floor next to the weights, sweating like a pig and regretting everything, I still couldn't rid my mind of the memory of Susie.

How could I when her presence sparkled at me from the tinsel around the doorframe and lights on the tree?

With a noise of frustration I rolled to my feet and marched into the kitchen to get a drink of water. My body froze as I took in our abandoned hot chocolates and the mess she had left across the side.

She was everywhere. In my home and in my head.

Setting to working, I began to methodically clean and put everything away in its rightful place. When the kitchen resembled what it had once been I poured a glass of water and sipped it slowly.

She was still there. In the homemade decorations and the memory of the taste of her kiss on my lips.

With a growl of frustration, I whirled and marched up the stairs, determined to shower away the ghost of her touch on my skin.

I paused for a moment outside her door. Listening for signs of... something. I wasn't sure what I was waiting to hear.

Briefly I considered knocking to check she was ok. My hand lifted ready to knock, before dropping back to my side. If she felt anything like I did, I knew she was likely not fine and I wasn't sure seeing me would help at all.

Continuing down to my bedroom, I kicked the door shut behind me with my foot and discarded my sweaty clothes as I crossed the room, I just let them fall to the floor where I left them.

Spinning the dial around to the coldest setting I could stand, I flicked the shower on and stepped under the spray.

If only I could wash away the memories as easily as this.

Disconnecting myself from the moment, I scrubbed every inch of my body clean. Attempting to erase the moment we shared. When I finally dared to step out I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror.

The man looking back at me looked happy, giddy almost. In love? No. I had felt the crushing pain of losing someone you love, and I wasn't willing to risk it again.

She had said no and I respected that. A part of me even agreed it was for the best. No sense pursuing something we both knew could never be.

"Perhaps she has saved us both from ourselves." I whispered to myself.