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Review #14 | The Art of Unopulence

Title: The Art of Unopulence

Author: addinginfinities_

Summary: 4/5

I actually really like your summary! I think it's clever how you have these two characters, show us a bit about them, contrast them, and then go on to show us how their lives will intertwine. You've got the direction of the conflict summarised clearly, though there are a few short things I wondered.

First of all, while I assumed that Nathaniel was the prince, I wasn't actually sure because it was never clarified. Potentially, make it clear that Nathaniel is a prince by calling him one, or even just using his name when you mention Ariya's mission. Second of all, what are the stakes? What is the protection from? If you choose not to have them, that's fine, too, though; I think it's a strong summary without it.

Well done!

Grammar: 3/5

This is probably where you need the most work. There are some consistent punctuation issues, and quite a few typos that need some polishing. Let's go through it all.

First of all, commas. You want to make sure they are used for fluency purposes. For example:

As the worriless royals of Volatis were retiring to their chambers for the night a small boat miraculously slipped past their coast guard and made it to the sandy white beach under the steep cliff on which the royal castle was built.

You need a comma between 'night' and 'a'. Another example:

Ever since my best friend, Izzy moved halfway across the world to India I've had a hard time coping.

I would brush up this sentence like so:

Ever since my best friend, Izzy, moved halfway across the world to India, I've had a hard time coping.

Next, let's talk about punctuating dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I do not allow any student to eat in class, Miss Davis." The history lady says sternly.

It should be:

"I do not allow any student to eat in class, Miss Davis," the history lady says sternly.

Another example:

"Italians don't usually make pizza so unhealthy. This thing is packed with excess carbs and cholesterol." He says.

It should be:

"Italians don't usually make pizza so unhealthy. This thing is packed with excess carbs and cholesterol," he says.

Next, proper nouns. When you say something like 'Yes, King' or 'Queen Elizabeth', you capitalise king and queen, because they are used as proper nouns. In the following example, the word 'king' is preceded by a 'the', indicating that it does not actually need to be capitalised as it is not used as a proper noun. So, for example:

When Nathaniel had pressed the King to tell him more, his father waved him off...

It should just be 'king', without a capital letter.