Sunshine's Review Store [CLOSED FOR A BREAK]

Review #34 | The Kingmaker

Title: The Kingmaker

Author: YouCanCallMeCorn

Summary: 4.5/5

Whoa! This is a really cool blurb. I think it is really clever how you have split it up; you introduce the three pivotal characters, a brief bit of their backstory, and the conflict/stakes that surround each one. I can even see hints of how their lives will all intertwine. I think the way you have phrased each section is very gripping and engaging. Well done!

This is a really nit-picky thing, but reading the blurb doesn't really give me that satisfaction of a final punch. I feel like you just need one more sentence at the bottom that really hammers in the stakes, or how the three lives truly intertwine. Or even just a dramatic statement that you often find at the end of blurb. Either way, I feel there needs to be one last sentence that ties up all three stories together neatly and ends with a nice punch.

Grammar: 3.5/5

A few really minor things throughout the story!

In the first chapter, you change the spelling for Haizaki/Haizaiki—make sure it's consistent throughout the chapter. Additionally, you have some little typos, such as:

" I had the opportunity to speak with him twice, Your Highness.

Which should be:

"I had the opportunity to speak with him twice, Your Highness.

Another one:

"Your Highness... how could you not tell me?"It is brief.

As well as:

"You have been aware... all this time?"There is no use in lying.

Even if your dialogue ends in a question mark, you need the space after the closing inverted commas. Both of those examples should look like:

"Your Highness... how could you not tell me?" It is brief.

"You have been aware... all this time?" There is no use in lying.

Next, dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"No," the simpler the answer, the better.

It should be:

"No." The simpler the answer, the better.

I'm pretty sure you knew that rule, though, because there were only a few instances where I saw errors there!

Also, with semicolons, they are used to separate two independent clauses (clauses that can be complete sentences on their own). So, in your example:

His hands are small and delicate; like a bird's talons.

I would just use a comma, as 'like a bird's talons' isn't quite an independent clause.

Characterisation: 5/5

This was done really, really well! I liked Tetsuya immediately because of the way you set him up; he is gentle with Momoi at the start, and does not allow Haizaki to mishandle her. I loved seeing that internal debate within him, where part of him wants to stop sympathisng for her, but he cannot help it. The whole concept of Dancers is cool—he's so graceful, able to slip through guards so easily, but also sympathetic because he is still sort of a slave (which we see, firsthand, how cruel that life can be). I love his mindset, and how his motivation stems down to: people exist, and therefore, those lives matter.