TEN SECONDS , The Kenny Ackerman Story BOOK ONE~ ORIGINS ,by Melly O'Hara

LOSS

CHAPTER 6 LOSS

The moon had now risen high in the sky, an' the silvery clouds had been blown away ta reveal the twinklin' white stars amid a deep, dark blue sky. Jas were holdin' her hand in mine, head bowed, her hair concealin' her expression from me. I breathed in deeply. My chest hurt, rememberin' the scene with Kuchel. It coulda all gone so differently, if I'd jus' kept my head. An'.... an, then maybe everythin' woulda been .... But, l thought l had time. Time ta right a wrong. Why wasn' there more time?

I said this ta Jas an' she looked up at me, her face flushed an' tears in her eyes, as she said," Kenny.... Don't you know that you are THAT man? You ARE the good man you 'never had a chance to be'! Yeah, l know, you're Kenny the Ripper and your life doesn't bare that out. But we both know that's an act, a habit that you can't break because you can't see what you're life would be like without it. But inside, inside you there is that GOOD man. That's WHY you're always looking for that something more. That's why you follow Uri around like a puppy dog.... Hell, that's why you like me so much!" she laughed.

"Oh Owl," l sighed as l buried her head in my shoulder.

"It's okay, it's okay", she whispered, strokin' my hair.

"It's getting' late. We should go on in", l finally said.

"Not on your life, Kenny Ackerman!" she answered, with mock seriousness an' outrage. "If l let you go now, that tough guy shell will come back and I'll never hear the truth! So you, just don't you worry about the time, and tell me what you need to get off your chest! I'm here for you, Kenny. It's okay."

She were right. It were jus' an act; a habit, 'specially now l were Uri's bodyguard. But she were also right that, without a life o' violence an' usin' my Ackerman power ta kill an' dominate, I really COULDN' see how life would be worth livin'. What the fuck did regular people do? How the fuck did they make it through this cesspool we call life without jus' toppin' themselves?

Why did they go on?

An' how were they jus' not filled with this all consumin' anger at how WRONG everythin' is?

When l looked at Uri, l knew he could answer these questions. An' if l stayed 'round long enough, maybe he'd tell me one day, an' it'd all make sense. Or maybe, jus' by bein' 'round my Owl long enough it'd 'ventually rub off onta me. 'Cause, jus' livin' this life, bein' Kenny Ackerman, Kenny the Ripper, jus' wasn' enough. Not in the quiet moments. Hadn' been for a long time. Prob'ly not since l learned the truth. That's when the restlessness started. It were small at firs', but it were there. So's instead o' the truth makin' me complete, 'twere like it had opened a door. Not closed one.

All 'cause l loved Kuchel.

"Well", l resumed. "l think l musta stayed drunk, not jus' for that night, but for the next month after that run- in with Kuchel. Ta be honest, it's all a bit o' a blur really - jus' images o' different ladies in my bed, bars with a never endin', never empyin' glass, tables stacked with lined up whiskey bottles, fights an' bloody faces, songs l can' remember the words to. An' all through it, wakin' up alone in the dead o' night an' reachin' for a shot ta chase away the fear. The last o' my family, lost ta me. No-one who knew me, only sycophants who loved or feared 'Kenny the Ripper', his money an' Silver Lady. I knew the world was shit, jus' a crap shoot, but at least I'd had a reason ta keep it all goin'. Now, it were gone.

So's I kept drinkin'.

Drinkin' an' killin'.

Drinkin' an' partyin', 'til those dead o' night moments started gettin' longer, turnin' inta minutes, then 'ventually hours, when a shot (or ten) jus' wouldn' kill the fear no more; the emptiness. The party had lost it's charm, so's I paid off my latest whore an' ran off the hanger – on' ers an' jus' took up residence in the corner table at Bob's bar, beneath my rooms.