What the Water Gave Me

Chapter Twenty-Seven

In the morning, Steve had a lot to say to Bucky, and he was tired and emotional and desperate when Bucky yawned and woke slowly next to him.

“Bucky,” Steve said, shaking him a little bit. “Bucky, hey, wake up.” Bucky looked up at him and pulled himself up a little, smiling. “I wanna say something to you,” Steve said and Bucky waited for him patiently. Steve stared into his eyes and swallowed.

“You love me,” Steve finally said. “No one else could ever say something like that to me and mean it, but you mean it.” Bucky looked at him, confused, and yawned again.

I’m giving up, Steve thought. Before we can even try. Surely this is something worth trying for. Surely, Bucky was worth the pain.

“You’d take on pain and heartbreak and confusion in the effort of keeping me,” Steve said. Bucky stretched and reached for his whiteboard.

“Of course,” Bucky wrote. “That’s what love is about. Are you okay?”

“No,” Steve said and he looked down and tears fell. He hated this. “There was something I promised myself that I’d tell you, and then promised myself I’d never tell you.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Bucky wrote.

“I know, okay?” Steve cried. “Cause I waited for you for so long! And I told myself it’d never work out and I would have to wait even longer and it would hurt even more and I better just stop while I was ahead!” Bucky stared at him, silent, waiting. He searched Steve’s face, his expression anxious.

“Well?” He finally wrote. “Are you going to explain?”

“Remember when you asked me if I loved you,” Steve whispered and Bucky froze. Steve could see him bracing himself again. He nodded slowly. “Well, about that,” Steve said. “I lied.”

“You lied?” Bucky wrote slowly and held it up and Steve nodded. “Why?!”

“Because it’ll never work!” Steve cried. “I’ve tried to keep you and now you’re trying to keep me and in the end, we’ll both go back to our respective places and never be able to make this permanent.”

“So you just gave up?” Bucky wrote. “You just decided that you’d rather let me suffer all alone?”

“I’m not someone you can have!” Steve said. “And vice versa! So you’d suffer anyway, I was just helping you get it out of the way. And Bucky, I suffered, too, okay? I hurt, too.”

“You lied to me,” Bucky wrote. The look on his face was angry suddenly. Steve didn’t know what else to do except to get angry back.

“For a good reason,” Steve said, defensive. “But I’m telling you now.”

“You’re a little late,” Bucky wrote. When Steve didn’t answer, he dropped the board into the water and dove out, splashing Steve and leaving him alone.

Maybe I should have started with a ‘good morning’, Steve wondered.