My...diary-?

sex jokes r lame. butt fuck it

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a man says to his boyfriend.
He thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls

 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together....we can stop this shit"

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
A $100 bill.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees

What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a clitoris?
Men don’t care.

(^SORRY BUT HELP-)

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha…*walks off laughing*

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

Two sex workers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

My wife says if 1,000 people upvote this joke, she’ll try anal right then and there.
So don’t vote until Tuesday. She’s on a business trip.

My bae told me that sex is better on vacation.
It wasn’t the best postcard I’ve ever received

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

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