𝑩𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑶𝒖𝒓 𝑭𝒖𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝑲𝒚𝒐𝒌𝒐 𝑲𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒊

Hi Besties!

12-15-21
TW: Mentions Of Dying. Mentions Of Violence Toward Myself. Self Deprecation. Yelling, Swearing.

Been working on myself a bit. Acknowledging my issues bit by bit. This is a vent. Turn away if that makes you uneasy or uncomfortable. But, it is appreciated if you read this. Sometimes I want nothing more than to be heard.

Here's a rant because I can't focus on my math test that I only have the next 2 hours to work on.

So basically I might get kicked out of school because I somehow managed to fail all 3 of my classes! Fun, right! The funny thing is, I'm probably not even supposed to be in Biology! And I sure as hell don't need another art class. I gave up on math because from the get go I couldn't raise my grade.

My time management was poor. My father say he's the same with his work but it's not the same! Dammit it's not the same dad. When I struggle, we all get upset and look at me because I'm the problem. This program doesn't work for me!! All my workaholic mother has to say is "what can we do to make it work?" MISS MA'AM I DON'T KNOW!!! IM A FUCK UP GODDAMMIT. I DON'T KNOW.

How did I manage to miss the deadline? Fuck, I thought today was Tuesday. It's Wednesday. The cut off was 20 minutes ago. My mom tells me, 'I get it. Im the same with my work. I don't get anything in on time." No, mom. It's not the same. You can do that because of how high ranking you are. Barely anyone can tell you shit. Im at the bottom. Aand all everyone had to say is "I know this isn't your best. You have potential to do better." Bro what if I don't? What if this is just me?

I have to make it a point that my fucked up school program is ridiculous. Like it's in quarters but I have to do a semesters worth of work within the quarter?

Babe, 5 HOURS A DAY GETS SOMEONE OF MY INTELLECTUAL ABILITY NOWHERE. even my home room teacher suggested 8 hours instead of 5. But no. I'm a fuck up.

I have a short attention span. I'm easily distracted. I hyper fixate on shit that isn't real. I'm a literal procrastinator. My mom can argue that she's a procrastinator too, sure. It's different, bro. It's different because you're everything. You're great, smart, amazing. I'm literally none of those things! You're number one at your job in the world. IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. NUMBER 1. The most I've got was a let down Honor Roll award. When did they get rid of Principles List? That let down was so bad that I'm sure I basically dissociated for a week. I wasn't even there.

I think I base my worth based on my intelligence. But I also degrade myself so I automatically don't think I'm smart. That leads to conversations with myself. Telling my self that I'm good for nothing. Nor will I ever be good for anything.

It's funny because my mom doesn't ever respond seriously. You're supposed to be the one I go to when I need to talk to someone. When I'm scared when I hate myself. You can't even help me then?

"You need to stop hanging out with Asians. That how Asians treat their kids."
When I tell her that I feel like if I'm not good at anything I won't be good for anything. Like first of all, stereotypical and racist. Don't do that again.

If I had a kid with no talent who wasn't good at anything, that's okay. They don't need to be good at anything. I'll love them regardless. But when that kid is me? Just kill me already. Just fucking stab me, will you??

This is fucking stupid. I'm gonna cry because I'm frustrated with myself. All I get is a 'oh you don't get to cry. You didn't even try"

What do you MEAN I DIDNT EVEN TRY. I SAT NEXT TO YOU WHILE I WORKED I TRIED MOMMY I TRIED. THIS SYSTEM IS FUCKED. ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT MY WORK AND LEARNING STYLE WASN'T COMPATIBLE WITH THEIR COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

God nothing about me makes sense. I hate my best aspects. I hate the goods things. Hate the bad things. But I don't hate myself. But I don't not hate myself. Isn't it pathetic? Determining my self worth based on the scores of a fucked up learning system.

Because who ever told you that your family would hate you if you weren't the best? Who? No one, hun, no one. Yet you still feel like that. Dad made it a little better.

But like I said.

You know everything's gone to shit when the best advice you get is from the person you swore you wouldn't be like. I love my mother

But she's so confusing m

Sometimes I don't know who the villian is.

I don't take sides. But I fear one day I'll wake up and realize that there really was a villain all along.

Mom why is it when I explain to you what's going on you just dismiss it. Until you get a violation letter in the mail? Because it's a problem at that point. I literally tell you why my grades are low and why I'm struggling to get them back up. And all you respond with is "you sound angry." Yes, mom! I'm angry because if we don't do something now then nothing will get done. And then people turn to me like I'm the crazy one.

I don't think I'm crazy anymore. It's YOU! ITS EVERYONE AROUND ME! YOU GUYS ARE THE CRAZY ONES! ITS NOT ME. ITS NOT ME ANYMORE. WHY DONT YOU LISTEN?? WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND, mom?

I'm lashing out. Freaking out because I determine my self worth because of some fucked up learning systems scores.

I read my old diary last night. Realized that the old habits never went away. They just changed to fit the current situation. I've always talked badly about myself. Wether it's because of my beautiful body of my incompetence.

Because let it be known. When my father said that I was a perfectionist, I'd never felt more heard or seen in my entire life. Literally all he had to say was that no matter what I do, as long as I do MY best at it. He'll love me. And that's what he said. He said it.

This is how it always goes. I get scared. I cry. I vent about it. I get upset. I yell about it. I get over it. I get scared.

It's the same cycle every time.

Maybe we're not too different, me and my dad.

I used to dislike him. A lot. I never wanted to see him. Maybe it's because he's changing? He's getting better.

I live my life, "hope for the best, expect the worst". If you expect the worst, what comes isn't ever nearly as bad. Of course I want the best. I just...don't expect it. Who wants to be let down?

So, like the violation letter. I'm going to force this to the back of my mind until my death inevitably arrives. God do I crave it most days. That's a fucked up thing, huh. Not caring too much for your own death. I mean I enjoy living, to an extent. But if my time came I'd go. Willingly, I might say.