3 weeks passed and I seemed to handle the situation much better. I had started forgiving people and talking to my mom and my friends of school again and I was starting to be the cheerful 9-year-old I used to be. Only my teachers and my best friend knew what happened because I didn’t want to talk about it over and over again.
In spite of how I was feeling, my mom didn’t seem to be getting better. She still cried day and night and I was getting desperate because I didn’t know what to do. I felt that it was now my job to protect her and it killed me that I wasn’t doing such a great job. Sometimes after dinner I used to make a little show and pretend that I was a comedian, just to try to put a smile on her face. My mom was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life but in these last few weeks she seemed to have aged tons of years. In spite of all my effort, she still didn’t smile, I mean she did but I knew she was pretending just to make me happy. She really wanted to protect me and to try that everything that was going on didn’t affect me that much. However she was the one who needed to be protected. I’ve always been very smart and I knew that she was feeling very down even if she didn’t show that in front of me. That was why I still hadn’t asked her the real reason of why my dad left us. I knew it still coasted her a lot to talk about it and she wouldn’t take all the pain she would remember again.
On top of everything the money my mom made wasn’t enough to keep the lifestyle we used to have when my dad was around. Sure we had money enough to eat and for the basic stuff like electricity and water to bath but I was now forbidden of watching TV after dinner or buying new toys or going to the movies with my friends. Maybe if it was any other kid they would not obey and do whatever they wanted because let’s face it, that everything the kids wanna do, but I knew I had to do it for my mom. At this moment I had to be strong for the both of us. That was my job.
One day I thought that it was enough. Something had to change. My mom had to change. So one day I got home from school and I saw her on the couch. She had obviously been crying, just like she did everyday. When I got in the living room she stopped crying and tried to take away the few tears that were still rolling down her face. In that moment I went there and hugged her for about 10 minutes. I think that was exactly what she needed, someone to comfort her and tell her that everything was gonna be okay.
“I’m okay mom” I told her, “how have you been doing? Tell me the truth, you don’t need to worry about me.”
“Oh honey…” She started crying again but kept going. “I don’t know. It’s been hard, you know, with you and… I don’t know, I feel that I just can’t protect you anymore… And you’re my little girl, it’s my job to protect you…” She kept crying.
“Mom, mommy, I told you, you don’t need to worry about me, I’m fine. I’m not sad or angry anymore. I’ve forgiven everyone, even though I don’t know exactly what happened, but I forgave everyone. And now I can take care of you. I have to take care of you mommy. You already took care of me for 9 years. Now it’s my turn to take care of you. Please, let me do this for you mommy.”
“Oh my baby… Are you sure you are just 9 years old?” we both laughed. “How did you get to be so strong? If I were you, I don’t know what I would do… I was never as strong as you are, and you are just 9… Sorry that I haven’t been a great mom lately… I just needed some time to mourn and I guess in that time I kinda forgot that I have a daughter… Luckily my daughter is the best daughter in the world and took care of everything and herself all alone. I just don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you so much.” She gave me a kiss on the forehead.
“If I’m this strong, it’s only because you taught me how to be strong mommy. I love you and I can’t lose you and that’s why I’m doing all of this for you and I’ll keep doing it until you get better and can take care of everything all by yourself.”
“Oh honey… I’m out of words…”
We stayed there hugging for quite some time until I decided to make the question that has been in my head ever since all of this started.
“Humm, mom, can I ask you a question? If you don’t wanna answer it’s okay, I don’t get mad.”
“Humm, okay, shoot.”
“Mom, why did dad leave? Really, what’s the real reason why he left? Because so far that’s the only thing that doesn’t make sense and it’s the thing that caused all this. And since I’m so involved in this, since I’m the daughter, I think I have the right to know.” She stayed in silence looking at me until I talked again. “You can tell me, I can take it, I’m strong, remember?”
“Okay, I will tell you. But please, do not get mad at your dad or at me or at anyone else. You do have the right to know but I guess we never talked about it because I didn’t know how you would take it but you’ve proved enough that you are strong to know about the truth.” She took a deep breath and started telling what happened. “A few years ago your dad and I got into a huge fight when you kids were on vacations with your grandparents. We figured it would pass but over the time things just got worse and worse but we wanted to keep fighting for our marriage because of you. I guess you guys never noticed it because we always tried to hide it from you because we didn’t want you to find out and be worried. Well, last year your dad met another woman and he fell in love I guess. He had been going out with her for a while even though he thought I didn’t know but I did until she went to LA a couple of months ago. The other day your dad decided that it was enough and he went after her. Our marriage was all a play and we weren’t in love in a very long time. Please don’t be mad at him, he was right, maybe it will be better this way. He should be happier and one day I’ll be happier too. So now you understand why I never tried to stop him from doing it.”
I was speechless with what I had just heard. I never thought things were this bad. I never thought my parents were miserable. I never thought my dad had another woman. I never knew how much they both did just to try to protect me. However I had another question.
“But… I get all of that. I really do, and I understand that you don’t blame him for what happened and that you never tried to stop him. But, why didn’t he say goodbye to me? Why didn’t he warn me that he would leave? Even if he didn’t tell me the reasons… I had the right to say goodbye to my own dad, mom.” I said, almost crying again.
“Well, kid, I don’t know, to be honest. Maybe it would be too hard for him. Maybe he was afraid that if he said goodbye he wouldn’t have the guts to get on the plane. Maybe he would feel guilty for seeing the tears you would have in your eyes because of him. The tears you had in your eyes but he didn’t see. I don’t know the real reason, but I can guarantee you that it wasn’t because he doesn’t love you. He does. He loves you more than anything in the world. You’re his little girl, his pride. You’re the reason of his big and beautiful smile. Never ever doubt that. Never let yourself think otherwise.”
I hugged my mom. We were both crying now. I missed him so much and hearing this just made me miss him even more. But I took my mom’s advice. I never in my entire life doubted of my dad’s love for me, no matter what happened.
